Week’s End Update – Your Headlines

Scrubs creator Bill Lawrence says Tara Reid reeked of booze and cigarettes - In her defence, Reid claims that booze and cigarettes were the only thing that could mask the overwhelming stench of abject failure and total shamefaced disgrace.

China set to unblock “Great Firewall” during Bejing Olympics- Millions of Chinese have two weeks to google search how Westerners get rid of all their unwanted female children.

Winona Ryder was caught shoplifting makeup from a CVS. – Her excuse last time was she was “researching a role,” this time she claimed she “didn’t know how that got there,” once she blows through “holding it for a friend,” expect the next excuse to invole either magnets or tiny little men in her pockets. – But seriously, isn’t the real story here that Winona uses drugstore cosmetics? Doesn’t she have any celeb-u-status left to score some high-end serious swag?

Canadians are expected to go clubbing in force to (cull the seal population) – Upon hearing the news, several thousand Long Island guidos donned their t-shirts and suit jackets, their gold chains and requisite hair gel and set out with their illegal stash of Roofies to see what all the fuss is about.

Big belly could carry more risk of dementia- The thought running through their head, “Sure my belly’s big, but I still look slammin’ in this bathing suit,” is the first sign that dementia’s already set in.

Oregon man claims he’s pregnant- Worst little league father ever; “I didn’t carry you for nine months so you could ride the bench, sportsfan!”

British television blamed for Peruvian deaths – British television tried to send in their own Doctor to save them…

But to no avail.

Slaves more popular now than anytime throughout the worlds’ history – When reached for comment one slave responded, “Popular? Really? I don’t seem to get invited to any of the cool parties…But, I do have Tara Reid on speed dial. So….”