Finding out what’s gotten stuck in this man’s craw!
Honestly, at this point he’s just phoning it in. I don’t think he’s really got the energy to get irate anymore. But, to tell you what’s got him pretending to be angry this week is…
FRUIT!
That’s right fruit is the bane of Mr. Rooney’s existence. It’s expensive. (You said it!) It spoils easily (Indeed it do! ). And who the hell knows if it’s gonna be any good when you get it (Preach on, preacherman!)
First off, the color green is out. Ol’ Andy reserves the color green for vegetables. He is ‘En-Oh-Tee’ not eating green fruit. Word.
Mangos have to go because they have a strange shaped pit. And it takes like upteen thousand years to excavate that pit from the flesh.
Andy would consider a papaya but since he doesn’t know whether to eat it for breakfast or dessert. So, it’s back onto Mr. Rooney’s shit list for you, Papaya.
And don’t even get him started on cantaloupes! Andy claims to have bought over one thousand of those juicy buggers and only had 3 that were ripe. Oh, the humanity! (Hint: Ask your wife to get off her keester and pick you out a decent melon. Or you could ask a produce guy. What-Evs).
Update: Andy’s still pissed. Somewhere between his youth and the scant 89 years that have blown by in between, huckleberries are now called blueberries. (Point of fact, if I may, huckleberries are sightly different. And there are red huckleberries, you pompous, know-it-all, windbag).
Oh, crap. Time to tuck in and crouch underneath your desks kids. Andy just found tomatoes parked in the fruit section of the market. This displeases the Andy. Do not try to convince him tomatoes are a fruit. They. Are. Vegetables.
Next to endure the wrath of Rooney: motherfrakkin’ seedless grapes. Rooney demands answers on this one. How do you grow a seedless grape? Where do the next generation of grapes come from? (it involves root cuttings and a rooting hormone if I’m not mistaken).
Whew. We made it! But you’re trying to tell me that the hairy little kiwi doesn’t bother Andy? Or the pomegranate with all its devious jelly seed pods? Both escape the reproach of Rooney? That’s insane.
I like strawberries, which is the main ingrediant in strawberry preserves which is the only jelly/jam/preserve flavor that need exist. but I digress.
I can not wait until AR bitches about air. Or gravity. Or daylight. Or life. These are about the only subject he hasn’t squawked about.
Truthfully, Andy was pissed at strawberries too because they all come from California. And Andy’s in New York. How come he can’t get New York Strawberries???
I think he claimed it was some sort of crime against humanity and he was planning on meeting Strawberries at the Hague. See you next spring Strawberries!
Oh, and I hope next week is gravity!