Is Food Network Trying to Kill This Guy

OK.

Guy Fieddy (if it is spelled any other way, it is unforgivable making people pronounce it as such).

When I can’t sleep I find his ‘Diners, Drive-ins and Dives’ is on incessantly when most mere mortals are asleep and therefore safe from his tour of bacon grease, beef fat and lard. 

I have no problem with the show.  I love all three of the above (particularly the bacon grease). I simply stand in awe of that man’s constitution.

But mostly I notice he is always attended by a bottle of Pelegrino (the Italian water “mit gas”).  I’m beginning to wonder if there are some secretive healing properties to this water that I was hitherto unaware.

So…

Does Pelegrino negate the constriction of blood vesels and thin the layer of fat that would otherwise build up after consuming three meals a day of deep-fried sausage-filled taquito bombs with chees sauce (wrapped in bacon optional)?

Lemme know. 

I may need the healing powers soon.

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Happy T-Giving!

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What Are You Doing History Channel?

What is with all these programs on yeti and chupacabra and aliens and UFOs?

I think I liked you better when you were just WWII and Nazis and Hitler. Maybe.

I’ll even take the “History’s Mysteries: The Wheel” or “Amazing Discoveries:Water” Just make sure you keep getting Edward Herrmann to narrate everything.

Thank you.

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Fringe – Episode 5: “Power Hungry”

Before we get to anything else in this post, can I just say, I love the font and the titles for this show.  Seriously, not a huge thing, but I really do love them. 

 

 

Let’s go over the clichés before we get to the new stuff.  Our character (creature-monster-villain-hapless experimentee) for the week is a stock character.  We’ve all seen this guy before.  The hapless loser who has a dead end job and lives at home with his overbearing, sick mother.  The poor sucker will gain strange mysterious powers which will not help him get the girl of him dreams (who he is mildly stalking), but in fact cause him to lose his job.  This time we even gave the guy a funny name, Meeker, pronounced meager, which is a little punny. 

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Fringe Season 1 Episode 4, “The Arrival”

  

Let’s start off with what was good;  I didn’t feel there were as many clichés in this episode as there have been.  The other good thing – no trip to Massive Dynamic this week.  Also, we still have the cow.  And, I’m really starting to like the cow.

 

Unfortunately, I’m still not entirely sure what this episode was really about. The A-plot was less a cliché, and more a movie trick: The MacGuffin.  Typically, the MacGuffin is used to move the plot forward, but in this instance, it was used to move the entire A-plot, which really is a sign of lazy writing. [Ed. Note: A MacGuffin is "a plot device which uses an ambiguous object to motivate the pricinple characters".  Think: golden glowing briefcase in Pulp Fiction].

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Fringe Episode 3 “The Ghost Network”

Although this episode was called “Ghost Network”, the episode was hardly about that – and sadly, had no ghosts.

  The Ghost Network is a network that is on a different frequency than what is used for phones and radio transmissions, but if it could be tapped into, it would give someone a secret network that would allow them to communicate without anyone else knowing or hearing.  Except for the unlucky psychic.  

 But since we have to use either a cliché or an old idea, let us begin with laying out the ones we will use in tonight’s episode:  

 First, we have the premise that a psychic doesn’t know that he is a psychic, but is seeing visions of horrible things that are happening.  (Ugh, we’ve never seen that plot before?)  So, how did he get this strange power?  Well, once upon a time, Our Favorite Mad Scientist injects a strange metal potion to see if it would give him psychic powers, Lo and behold, he did not turn out to be a fire starter, but did get the psychic powers 20 years later.  Which he then uses to listen in on the phone conversations of Latin speaking bad guys (possibly from a drug cartel, who also know about the pattern) as they plot their nefarious deeds.  And then our intrepid FBI agent manages to stop them (but not before one of them commits suicide, so there is no possibility of getting answers from him).  And then we send our psychic home, where hopefully he will never be troubled by ghost network phone calls again.

I have to admit, part of the show was new.  I hadn’t really seen the “people trapped in an amber like substance” bit before.  And I did enjoy that.  Sure it seems like overkill for the bad guys to do that just to get a mysterious glass disk from someone (that is a lot of dead bodies).   And also, I’m always happy to see Latin getting props on TV (in a non-exorcism, or witchy setting).  So it wasn’t all recycled, which is good.  Overall, it wasn’t a bad episode, but I’m still not sure its going to be a great show.

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It’s the 60th Emmy Awards…

Also known as the Ultimate Celebration of the Banal! YYYYEEAAAAAAAAHHHH.

The 5 Hosts (aka The 5 guys relegated to hosting reality show programs because they have no discernible talents of their own) are out to open the show and get this…they’ve got nothing. It’s not a bit. They really are such blow-hards that they couldn’t agree for a direction for the opening of the show. HaHaHa. B-holes.

Oooh. Talk about B-holes. Piven wins for Best Supporting Actor-Comedy. Listen to me children, A good heairpiece will inevitably make all the difference in your career. Even if it’s in the janitorial services industry. It is ALWAYS about the hair.

They re-created the Seinfeld diner. It looks nothing like the Seinfeld diner. Thanks TV production magic! And Best Supporting Actress Comedy goes to Jean Smart (who apprarently has like 17 of the babies already, for her amazing ability to play women of a certain age with Southern accents – Did you know she’s really from Minnesota? And she’s 19? And she’s a size 00? That’s ACT-ing).

Conan presents and “was gonna do some more material but Katherine Heigl said it wasn’t Emmy-worthy” Take that, You Ungrateful So-and-So!

Daily Show wins Best Comedy, Musical or Variety just after The Colbert Report wins for the writing in that same category so everybody’s happy.

Josh Groban sings a few measures of a bunch of television theme songs, including the rapping of Fresh Prince of BelAir’s intro. Quelle Suprise, Not Bad.

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On the banks of the Red Cedar…

GO GREEN!  GO WHITE!  Repeat.

 

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TV, TV, TV

Models Say the Darndest Things. On this week’s episode of America’s Next Top Model:

We check in on a gaggle of “ethnic girls” (as they call themselves) confronting a girl from a small town in Alaska on being racist. Here are her thoughts on the incident…

   ”If their whole perogative was to hurt me or to make me cry, well, then, you got me. That’s like gang rape.   That’s like gang violence.”

Hannah, honey, you might be overstating things a wee bit.  – - The best line of the show must go to the girl who got sent packing. She just shrugged and threw her hands up and said with a straight face, “I guess I’ll be an anesthesiologist.” She’s got that little skill to fall back on? Whew. (Either that or a very keen sense of the ironic, acknowledging the world’s view that models don’t know that word, couldn’t spell it, let alone realize it’s a possible occupation).

OPEN LETTER to the writers of Gossip Girl.

Dear Writers:

You can try and write a seduction complete with chocolate covered strawberries but if you set the scene ona Greyhound bus…it pretty much negates the entire idea. Who is gonna grab someone for a little light dalliance in a Greyhound bathroom. That is fundamentaly, perhaps criminally, insane. Sheesh. (Would you like a side of e. coli with your crabcakes?) Please do not try and turn our stomachs with your racy notions.

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Hapiness Is…

When someone starts off a story, “Omigod, I felt like the biggest geek one time…I was at this Doctor Who meet-up group and…”

If the thing that made you feel like the biggest dork was not simply being at the Doctor Who meet-up group, then I have some seriously high expectations for this story!

PS – Who’s gonna be the new Doctor anyway? When are we gonna find out. The fact that it’s not James Nesbitt I find to be a shame. I’d watch that creepy dark Doctor Who. And Jennifer Saunders was an interesting thought. I think she’d do a good job as the first female Time Lord.

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Sex And The City Movie – Your Updates

I’ve heard some people say, “Who even cares about them anymore?”

But when you learn - SPOILER ALERT -  that no one dies. And that, more importantly, Mr Big’s real name is John Preston, I think you’ve learned enough.

 We can fully support that as the most awesome, most deserving name for some epic, vaunted and dreamy character in a  sitcom.

Oh wait. His full name is John James Preston.

We could also endorse a ‘Jimmy Preston’.

That sounds like a good name to us too.

 

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It Was An Accident, I Swear

Here’s a little tip: If you leave the television on, do not be surprised if while you’re bringing in groceries you hear this:

“So I left and then went outside and politely took his windshield out.”

(Someone named “Judge Alex”) incredulously asks, “You are saying you “politely” bashed in his windshield with a baseball bat?”

“Yes sir. That is what I did.”

Surprisingly enough, I did not wait around to find out exactly how one completes that task politely.  But I saw the young lady who claimed to do just that, and if anyone can do it – it’s the kind of gal who decides to wear a tube top to court.

Court that is nationally televised.

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Sunday Night Means One Thing:

Finding out what’s gotten stuck in this man’s craw!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honestly, at this point he’s just phoning it in. I don’t think he’s really got the energy to get irate anymore. But, to tell you what’s got him pretending to be angry this week is…

  

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News Flash

Stephen Colbert is a really delicious flavor of ice cream.

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The Quotable Beauty and the Geek

You don’t need to watch television but if you do, sometimes you can learn things. And in general, I like learning. BoyHowdy, delivering new information to me via a box full of multi-colored moving images is the way to go! Passive learning. Look at me sprawled out on the couch…Learning!

Some Highlights from THE BEAUTIES:

• I literally cannot tell time. I can stare at a clock…And I know the steps…People have tried to teach me..It’s just that…I’d rather look at a digital clock.
• I think my IQ’s a little below average. Probably around 200 or so.
• My worst subject in school was history. The last 5 presidents were Bush, Clinton, Nixon, Theodore (oh that was Roosevelt), and then it was…Higley. Yeah. Those were the last five presidents.
• It’s not that I am not smart. I just don’t know stuff.
• I get my looks from my mom who’s from Egypt, which is in South Africa.
• Just because I’m beautiful doesn’t mean I’m more than just a pretty face.  – TOUCHE!

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America’s Funniest Home Videos – It’s So Ageist!

 

Did you ever notice that a small child hitting Dad squarely between the legs is funny…

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CBS – What Will You Come Up With Next?

In some sort of brilliant marketing idea, two head writers for CBS shows are switching roles and writing for the others’ show. Sounds kinda neat, right?

Some opportunities to open up creatively. Stretch your legs, get out of your rut. But the two shows?

CSI and Two and a Half Men. Huh? Those two shows couldn’t be more different.

We think that you’ll be able to tell when you see the episodes. Expect to see Grissom bedding Catherine Willows. Grissom teasing Nick relentlessly about being a loser that no woman would have, about being broke, about loosing women to other women.  It’s going to be wall-to-wall laugh tracks on CSI!

We also know that Two and Half Men will have to start with an opening song from The Who. I predict it’ll be “Anyway, Anyhow, Anywhere” (or possibly “Pinball Wizard”). Also, predicting that Charlie will wake up with a dead body in his bed. Charlie and Alan will proceed to figure out what happened using tackle-boxes filled with flashlights and Q-tips.  Expect many beautiful overhead vista shots from helicopters  everytime we come back from commercial. Maybe the Miniature Killer makes a pitstop in Malibu? Little diorama left on the doorstep of our favorite two and one half men.

NBC will be up next. Expect Marc Cherry and Carlton Cuse to change places and the we”ll see a polar bear chained in the basement of the newest neighbors on Wisteria Lane. No more gossip between the ladies of Desperate Housewives, now they’ll learn useful information that could help their friends, but they won’t share the tiniest morsel, just like on Lost!  No talking to each other.  But we the viewers will learn all about the H-wives via flashbacks and flashforwards.  Maybe another neighborhood will come in to play (The Others)?

Meanwhile on the beaches of Lost, Kate gets locked out of her tent completely naked (“She’s so klutzy and kooky!”). Sun’s baby is really Sayid’s, not Jin’s. Hurley’s coming out of the closet. The Voice Over woman will probably parachute into the neighborhood. And Bernard and Rose? Their secret is going to rock you to your core…

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Big Brother 9 Updates

“People don’t think I’m smart when they meet me. So then when they find out I’m smart, they’re kind of intimidated. Cause I’ll blow you away with my looks and then turn around and blow you away with my brains.” So, she’s gonna blow you a couple of different ways. (Spoiler: She’s not actually too smart).

This was one of the profiles of a Big Brother 9 contestant. I am not going to pretend like I know their names because I don’t. They seem to be of the under-26, vapidly ubiquitous set. So why do you care?

Because this season is bonkers.

There have been two hospitalizations so far (airing tonight! Yay). There is a “straight” guy who’s been in gay porn, there have been strip shows (started by a stripper who loves Jesus but doesn’t see the disconnect there), a naked pool party and the only one over 30? Oh yeah, she’s a former Penthouse pet who lived with Bob Guccione for a decade or so.

The best thing about this group of media-whores? They wait until 9pm when Showtime begins their live coverage to bother with any of their antics. (Almost?) Staging fights (with blows so low – making fun of a girl’s father and his suicide? Are you kidding me? – All of this having known each other for 4 days.) And yet all is forgiven immediately. They’re hyper-aware of being on television, constantly saying “I’m only doing this for Showtime.” Well, bully for Showtime. It’s nice to know that you wouldn’t otherwise degrade yourself, but…for Showtime? Anything!

Savvy? Subtle? Sublime?

Hey, if this doesn’t appeal to you then turn into FOX’s smash hit lie detector game show, “Moment of Truth.” Watch people admit things like, “I feel like I should actually be married to my ex-boyfriend and not this clown sitting with me” or “Yes, I’ve avoided having children with my wife because I have doubts as to whether I’ll be with her in a year” Good times. Now that you’ve admitted that, answer just three more outrageous statements and you might win $100,000 (half of which will be your wife’s in the divorce). Awww, FOX television, ruining the moral fiber of America since 1991.

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Oscars 2008 – Did you watch?

Cause we did.

We put in the time.

But if you didn’t and want to read our highlights, do it.

Did you think it was funny? Did the right people win? Were there too many retrospective packages? See if you agree with us. (We know you do).

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Since the Writer’s Strike is Officially Over

The Daily Show and the Colbert Report will be funny again as early as TO-DAY!

The comedies like MyName is Earl, The Office and 30 Rock will probably do 6-8 new episodes airing at the end of March or April. SNL will return Feb 23. Dramas will take longer and only the established ones will return. No new Life, Pushing Daisies, or Chuck until the fall.

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Survivor: Micronesia. Fans Vs. Favorites

In this writer-striken season of pablum (Cashmere Mafia. – It’s Sex and the City but with four Miranda’s!), one tends to be more excited by things than normal.

Are you excited about Survivor?

In truth, it should be called Fans Vs. Contestants.

I haven’t watched every season of Survivor but I am pop culturally aware of almost all the past seasons. I don’t recognize half these people. More truthfully, it could be titled: Fans Vs. People-Who-Don’t-Have-Anything- Better-To-Do-And-Who-Are-Looking-to-Extend-Their-15-Minutes-of-Fame.

In reading more about this season it seems that perennial blow-hard/host Jeff Probst has a long standing beef with Johnny Fairplay (Fairplay insulted his brother). Probst says about Fairplay, “I feel like I can eat his lunch all day every day and pack it for him and steal it again.”

Ooooh. My favorite kind of trash talk. The delicious kind.

Will you watch?

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America Loves its Remakes.

“Kath and Kim,” a hit Australian comedy of a 20 something living in the suburbs with her 50ish divorcee mom is going to be American-ized.

In the US version it is to star Selma Blair and Molly Shannon.

Ummm.

They’re like 8 years apart in age.

Also it’s rumored that Ice Cube will play B. A. Barracas and Woody Harrelson will play “Howling Mad” Murdoch in the A Team movie. (In yet another example of Hollywood raping my childhood). Faceman and Hannibal have yet to be cast. Who ya got?

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Super Bowl Sunday

I think a good wager to make with your co-workers for Super Bowl Sunday (or even other home town rivalries) is to force the loser to dress up like the winning teams’ mascot.

This year one would be forced to either dress up like a Patriot (Tri-corner hat and a smart velveteen suit with knickers and a ruffled bib) or a Giant (ill-fitting, ripped tee shirt and, tattered, once again, knee length pants).

There are some mascots I can’t figure out. Like the Green Bay Packers. Do they have a mascot? I know about the “cheeseheads.” And I get it. Wisconsin makes cheese. North Carolina is a big supplier of our nation’s pork but no one’s is walking around a Panthers game with an oversized sausage on top of their head. Or stips of bacon flapping in the wind from of their noggin.

While we’re on the subject of mascots, it dawned on me that, in this age of ever increasing political correctness, when teams are petitioned every so often by the more marginalized populations of this country to, ‘Please, for the love of Animal Spirit, change the mascot of your team,’ that teams should embrace the change and use the opportunity to go in a new direction. 

I think the Dallas Cowboys are onto something. People like an excuse to put on their boots and cowboy hats and support their team. People paint their faces up like Jaguars in union with the team. So why not choose your next mascot on what you would like to see your fans dressed as? Seriously. Ravens aren’t that ferocious anyway. Ditch the thinking that your mascot will strike fear in the hearts of your opponents and simply distract them with your new team, The San Jose Slutty Nurses.

Women have proven, Halloween and Halloween again, that they love to dress up as a slutty nurse. Or a slutty cop. Or a slutty pirate. Basically, anything slutty. Give them any opportunity and they will jump at it. Let them. It serves as a good distraction for the other team. It allows fans to really get excited about the game. And maybe you can generate some extra revenue by selling rohypnol at the concessions booth!

It’s a win all the way around.

See our list of Worst Team Mascots here.

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Matt Damon. Funnier Than We Thought?

Sarah Silverman was on (her boyfriend) Jimmy Kimmel’s tv show and had some things she needed to get off her chest. Or off her ”apples.” Whatever.

SPOILER ALERT: The name of the song is “I’m f***ing Matt Damon. It is, however, all bleeped out.

Matt Damon delivers some awesome back-ups. And a big ‘Thank You’ to Matt for constantly referring to himself in the third person. I think it makes him seem like an even bigger movie star than he is.

 

This video seems to be taking the piss out of Matt Damon’s rock star turn in Eurotrip. With a song that is fairly infectious (by Lustra) called “Scotty Doesn’t Know.”

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We Won??? – Holy Crap….

I know Jeddler has been in the position where you make the pitch, thinking the shoot will need 20+ people and 10-15 days and the customer says, “Congratulations, you’ve won! But I need it in 4 days and we can only afford 4 people. Have fun”

Anyhow, this is what these guys did with 4 people in 4 days.

http://www.neatorama.com/2008/01/14/saving-pvt-ryan-beach-scene-filmed-in-4-days/”

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2 1/2 minutes of Mithras

 Brief QI (you do know the British quiz show hosted by Stephen Fry, right?) segment that expounds on some of the supposed similarities of Mithras and Christianity.

Watch it because you’ve been wondering what in the hell happened to Rich Hall. (Note: There are no “Snigglets” in this clip. I didn’t want anyone to get their hopes up).

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Tin Man

A few thoughts on SciFi’s mini series Tin Man that I just got around to watching last night (4 hours of tv takes less than 3 hours thanks to DVR! Thanks, DVR); it bears mentioning that the dialogue was really clunky at times and you may have to have an understanding of Zooey Deschanel’s acting “style,” (it took me a few episodes of Bones to accept her sister Emily’s too) and understand that it’s on SciFi and it’s a miniseries. These things are not all adding up to make a winner. But I did think the actors showed restraint, it’s quite tempting to go big with a line like, “Save the poetry for someone who cares.”

Thoughts:

• You started losing me with “fang pox.”
• If the answer to disease in the future is exchanging my lower torso for a floating mechanical robot body, I’m okay with that.
• I would like a costume that affords me a bongo drum on each hip. I will wear that everyday.
• I’m in the market for a dog, is it too much to ask for one that would get me out of jail and then later turn into a magical black man? I want that kind of dog. C’mon.
• The songs weren’t as catchy as the original. No, wait, the absence of songs here is a plus.
• Also, fashion wise, if someone could make me a pair of black ostrich feather epaulets, I’d be really grateful. Better make it two, I have a mother who’d rock those too.
• Truth be told, wouldn’t all of us like to trap our mothers in some separate realm where we could pop in if we needed to ask how to remove a mustard stain or iron a pleated skirt (or in the case of my mother, how to set up a third party administration for an insurance company)?

Did you catch the show? Have any thoughts?

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You People Don’t listen!

I told you people to watch Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace when it was airing on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim but you didn’t and sadly, now it has run its course.

The show is about horror writer Garth Marenghi who (along with his publisher) stars in the tv series  based on his own works. They also produce and direct. They are good at not-quite one of these.

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