Ya Bacon Me Craaazy!

We’ve visited to topic of  ’Bacon: Is There Ever Too Much‘ before but now I believe we can safely agree that yes, there quite possibly could be a way to put one toe over the line.

Case in Point: The Bacon Explosion.

Yeah, so? It looks relatively harmless and delicious. Tell Me more.

Sure. No problem.

It’s simple really; you weave 2 pounds of bacon together. Layer in a pound of sausage and another pound of bacon in the center. Roll and grill.*

Et viola.

PS. If you feel a need to try this, then you may be one of the few that truly has earned this:

*Just a tip. – You might want to call the EMT before you light the grill.  You’ll thank me later.

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Stop Motion Goodies

I know some people out there who dig the stop motion. And this vid is a cute reminder of how creative you can be on the cheap.

I can hear some of you starting to grow your own mustaches right now.

Viva la revalution!

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Notes To Puppy #1

Sometimes when I’m rubbing puppy’s belly, I like to coo in her ears and tell her that she’s the cutest pup in the whole land.
But I also use that opportunity to remind her that she should really develop some extra tricks and/or skills because pretty soon, she’s gonna grow up and she won’t be as cute anymore.

People will no longer clamor over her at the Target. Walking down the street will no longer cause cars to slow down and make every other human stop to give her the undiluted adulation. She will have to prostitute herself on the street. Perform a few tricks just to get some of the attention she had once taken for granted.

It’s a tough world out there (some would say ‘Dog eat dog’). And you can’t get by on your looks forever.

The glory days of youth are fleeting.

The world is cruel to the aged.

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Is Food Network Trying to Kill This Guy

OK.

Guy Fieddy (if it is spelled any other way, it is unforgivable making people pronounce it as such).

When I can’t sleep I find his ‘Diners, Drive-ins and Dives’ is on incessantly when most mere mortals are asleep and therefore safe from his tour of bacon grease, beef fat and lard. 

I have no problem with the show.  I love all three of the above (particularly the bacon grease). I simply stand in awe of that man’s constitution.

But mostly I notice he is always attended by a bottle of Pelegrino (the Italian water “mit gas”).  I’m beginning to wonder if there are some secretive healing properties to this water that I was hitherto unaware.

So…

Does Pelegrino negate the constriction of blood vesels and thin the layer of fat that would otherwise build up after consuming three meals a day of deep-fried sausage-filled taquito bombs with chees sauce (wrapped in bacon optional)?

Lemme know. 

I may need the healing powers soon.

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Caption This

What is wrong with this picture? What is wrong with these people?

These kids don’t seem to be remotely excited by the fact that they have R2D2 at their muthafriggin shindig!

Better yet: R2D2 is sporting a tux. He’s like the James Bond of droids, people. Can’t you muster anything? The rest of your life is only gonna be downhill from here kids.

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Man, I Don’t Know My Presidents #27 William Howard Taft

William Howard Taft

1909-1913

Nicked Names

• Old Bill
• Big Lub
• FattyFatty 2×4 Can’t Fit Thru The Bathroom Door
• The 27th President, 10th Chief Justice of US Supreme Court, 1st Provisional Governor of Cuba, 42nd US Secretary of War, 1st Civil Governor of the Philippines, 5th US Solicitor General, 1st in line at a buffet

Taft is really the president that ought to be known as the Trustbuster. He busted over 80, beating that so-called buster (Teddy ‘Not as Busted’ Roosevelt) by about 40. Taft just didn’t happen to rail against business in his rhetoric. That’s right Taft is twice the buster TR ever was, suckas!

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Zen Koan

If you set a movie in South Boston, can it be made if there are no characters named either ‘Paulie,’ ‘Jimmy’ or ‘Doyle’?

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Now, Cure Cancer!

Today, Tacos. Tomorrow, The World.

You no longer have to load your bountiful taco shells lying down on their sides. They will now stand up to your gluttonous, spiced meat concoction.

But this doesn’t speak to my needs. I will only be satisfied when Old El Paso makes a shell with a reinforced bottom because I am tired of taking one bite and having the whole thing blow-out. If I wanted sour cream and grease on my shirt, I would gently daub it on there myself, thank you very much.

Give me the Stand ‘n Stuff Double Bottome Shell.

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You Caption It #7

 

“Why is Nona taking the picture? She’s the one who is seasick.”

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What Are You Doing History Channel?

What is with all these programs on yeti and chupacabra and aliens and UFOs?

I think I liked you better when you were just WWII and Nazis and Hitler. Maybe.

I’ll even take the “History’s Mysteries: The Wheel” or “Amazing Discoveries:Water” Just make sure you keep getting Edward Herrmann to narrate everything.

Thank you.

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Ahh, The Tears.

Now, with none of those pesky little Fears.

Happy Day.

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Man, I Don’t Know My Presidents #26 Theodore Roosevelt

 Theodore Roosevelt

 

• Theodore the Meddler
• Trustbuster
• TR or Teddy
• The Cyclone Assemblyman
• Rough Rider and Hero of San Juan Hill
• Old Four Eyes
• The Lion

(Walk softly and stand near a big globe).

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Next VP Candidate

BREAKING NEWS: One of the Vice Presidential candidates will recuse him/herself this week!

I have it on good authority that early this week there will be a shake-up in the vice presidential race. It is the October Surprise that we’ve all come to expect.

 Following Palin’s tragic interview with Katie Couric and the McCain camp refusing to allow her to show up (or spin) at the Presidential debate last Friday, and Sen. Joe Biden’s gaffes of insisting FDR was not only president during the stock market crash of 1929 but, that he also appeared on television to reassure Americans; Americans are demanding a different Vice Presidential candidate. 

One of the candidates will  back out. We have reliable information on who will be replaced and who that replacement will be.

Click to Find Out.

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It’s the 60th Emmy Awards…

Also known as the Ultimate Celebration of the Banal! YYYYEEAAAAAAAAHHHH.

The 5 Hosts (aka The 5 guys relegated to hosting reality show programs because they have no discernible talents of their own) are out to open the show and get this…they’ve got nothing. It’s not a bit. They really are such blow-hards that they couldn’t agree for a direction for the opening of the show. HaHaHa. B-holes.

Oooh. Talk about B-holes. Piven wins for Best Supporting Actor-Comedy. Listen to me children, A good heairpiece will inevitably make all the difference in your career. Even if it’s in the janitorial services industry. It is ALWAYS about the hair.

They re-created the Seinfeld diner. It looks nothing like the Seinfeld diner. Thanks TV production magic! And Best Supporting Actress Comedy goes to Jean Smart (who apprarently has like 17 of the babies already, for her amazing ability to play women of a certain age with Southern accents – Did you know she’s really from Minnesota? And she’s 19? And she’s a size 00? That’s ACT-ing).

Conan presents and “was gonna do some more material but Katherine Heigl said it wasn’t Emmy-worthy” Take that, You Ungrateful So-and-So!

Daily Show wins Best Comedy, Musical or Variety just after The Colbert Report wins for the writing in that same category so everybody’s happy.

Josh Groban sings a few measures of a bunch of television theme songs, including the rapping of Fresh Prince of BelAir’s intro. Quelle Suprise, Not Bad.

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Caption This! #9

You Caption It…

“No need to put your arm out Katie, your outfit will repel all the men on its own.”

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You Caption It #8

This seems like it needs the simple, obvious and direct caption:

 

“Hello, Ladies.”

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TV, TV, TV

Models Say the Darndest Things. On this week’s episode of America’s Next Top Model:

We check in on a gaggle of “ethnic girls” (as they call themselves) confronting a girl from a small town in Alaska on being racist. Here are her thoughts on the incident…

   ”If their whole perogative was to hurt me or to make me cry, well, then, you got me. That’s like gang rape.   That’s like gang violence.”

Hannah, honey, you might be overstating things a wee bit.  – - The best line of the show must go to the girl who got sent packing. She just shrugged and threw her hands up and said with a straight face, “I guess I’ll be an anesthesiologist.” She’s got that little skill to fall back on? Whew. (Either that or a very keen sense of the ironic, acknowledging the world’s view that models don’t know that word, couldn’t spell it, let alone realize it’s a possible occupation).

OPEN LETTER to the writers of Gossip Girl.

Dear Writers:

You can try and write a seduction complete with chocolate covered strawberries but if you set the scene ona Greyhound bus…it pretty much negates the entire idea. Who is gonna grab someone for a little light dalliance in a Greyhound bathroom. That is fundamentaly, perhaps criminally, insane. Sheesh. (Would you like a side of e. coli with your crabcakes?) Please do not try and turn our stomachs with your racy notions.

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You Caption It #7

 

“I just felt a warm spot… JACK!”

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Happiness Is…

I’ve recently discovered an odd scientific phenomenon. The red “pebbles” in Fruity Pebbles (TM) are always the last holdouts in your bowl of milk.

Now that I think about it…there really needs to be some more detailed analysis done on this controversial finding.

Don’t pity me, I do it all in the name of science.

I’m off to do more research.

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Wow! Advertising Wednesday #16

Sometimes I get annoyed with the anthropomorphizing of animals…But fruit?

Now you have really gone too far, Advertising World.

I need a shower. For both me and my amazingly sensuous melons.

I feel like someone is trying to put their odd perversions in my head, trying to share their personal, screwed-up proclivities with the entire world. “See, I told you, everyone gazes longingly at their own peaches* every now and again, Tom.”

*It’s so contagious that everytime I think of which fruit to place in one of these sentences, I feel dirty. Try substituting strawberries, figs, kumquats – almost anything and have it not sound slightly dirty!

Tell us, Do Ad, Why do we need to look at our fruit in this new, much sexier manner?

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You Know Which Camp You’re In

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Fiction Tourney. Who Ya Got?

Not psyched for the NCAA Tourney? You can always make your picks for TMN’s literary Tournament of Books. Same bracketology; different genre. I’m hoping for a smackdown in the final between, “And Then We Came to The End” over “On Chesil Beach.”

Admit it, you’re gonna put some money down on “Tree of Smoke” to take it all, but everyone’s saying that’s a shoo-in to win. Take a risk, man. Who’s your Cinderella Story this year?

Let’s dance.

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Lost in Translation

Brilliant idea. It’s like having people act out your old VCR instruction manual.

As is says in it’s intro, these people perform a short piece that was written in English, translated (with babelfish – the online translation software) into French, then translated into German, then back into French and finally back into English.

The results are predictably horrible but they are kind enough to subtitle it with the original English. I promise there’s hardly any resemblance whatsoever!

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Tips for Husbands

This 1913 book was reprinted in the UK last fall, simply titled “Don’ts for Husbands”

 

A nice and tidy rule book to help your wife life run a little more smoothly.

Some highlights include:

Don’t ‘talk down’ to your wife. She has as much intelligence as your colleagues at the office; she lacks only opportunity. Talk to her of anything you would of a man and you would be surprised how she expands. – You keep yammering on, and she keeps reaching for more cookies by the handful. Oh my, how she expands!

Don’t say your wife wastes time in reading, even if she only reads fiction.- Don’t even pretend your wife can read. You really shouldn’t patronize women. It is an ugly character trait.

Don’t sharpen pencils all over the house. It does not improve either the carpets or the servants’ tempers to find pencil sharpenings all over the house. – Seriously. The servants will  revolt. Take my word for it. Enough with the sharpening of all those bloody pencils already. Your house is not the cage of a guinea pig.

Don’t try and regulate every aspect of your wife’s life. Even a wife is an individual and must be allowed some scope.- This one is a head-scratcher. Who is the boss again? The husband! Why do we choose to persist with a charade?

Don’t keep all your jokes for your male friends. Let your wife share them.- Don’t let your wife share your jokes; she’ll butcher them! “And then , the man says…Oh wait, I forgot the punchline again.” Dagnabbit.

Don’t try and “drive” your wife. You will find it much easier to “lead” her. – Wives are much like horses. Also, teach her to how to properly chew her cud. And don’t forget to air out her blankets when they become drenched in sweat as it improves her disposition greatly.

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Don’t like the Name?

Here are some other blog names we would have considered:

Talk turkey to me

NutCrackers

V for Eat It!

Flabberghosted

Friends with words

There is no I in blog

 CheesySaltines

Tomatoes are rad!

Hoard of the Manor or Hoard Games (or some other hoarding type pun).

 StopBossin’

Don’t Yell at the Help. (my personal favorite, might promote it to tagline, thoughts?)

Smorgasblog (taken)

OurQuagmire

Feel free to use any of our losers for your own blogging needs. Just make sure to give props where props are due (Here, at The Life Tussle).

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