Let’s Be More Inclusive, Everybody

It’s not just for dog-lovers anymore.

Or ferrets.

Or ducks.

Yes. Now you can walk your goldfish!

Hopefully there will not be an uptick in goldfish parks.

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Caption This #26

“Alright, Everybody turn around if you’re  not gay.”

They got more people than Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy would have predicted with this simple trick.

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My Puppy Is Amaza-Crazy!

I just realized that my dog is an awesome impressionist. Like Rich Little in his prime, circa 1988, still doing a bang-up aping of Nixon.

Right now Dog Dash can do like 2 different slamdunk, knock it out of the park impressions.

1.  He can contort his body in such a way that he looks exactly  like a dead puppy. And…

2.  He does an outstanding Marlon Brando (from the Godfather) impression when he puts an ice cube in his mouth sideways .

And, I almost forgot, #3. - Dash can turn in a very solid Drowned Rat after his bath.

PS – He also does a great Nicholson and Christopher Walken – but I mean, c’mon…everybody can do those. They don’t even count.

Check back later, we’re trying to teach him an Edward G. Robinson. We’ll see how he takes to it.

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Check It.

The most awesome collection of pictures of food that may turn you off your lunch at the aptly named This Is Why You’re Fat (.com).

Ladies and Gentlemen…Please Allow me to Introduce to you…

THE HAMDOG!

That’s Right – - A hotdog, snugly nestled inside a hamburger that is then lovingly deep-fried and then generously topped with chili, chese, onions and a couple of servings of fries. All of this is served up in a giant hoagie roll and at last, a fried egg is added to round out the meal.

(Courtesy Mulligans Bar, Decatur GA.)

 

Most are seriously disgusting but there were a few that made me think, ‘I’d try that if it were within arms’ length.’ Like the doughnut with fresh crumbled bacon or the deep fried coca-cola (make it a Diet and I’m prolly the newest convert).

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Ya Bacon Me Craaazy!

We’ve visited to topic of  ’Bacon: Is There Ever Too Much‘ before but now I believe we can safely agree that yes, there quite possibly could be a way to put one toe over the line.

Case in Point: The Bacon Explosion.

Yeah, so? It looks relatively harmless and delicious. Tell Me more.

Sure. No problem.

It’s simple really; you weave 2 pounds of bacon together. Layer in a pound of sausage and another pound of bacon in the center. Roll and grill.*

Et viola.

PS. If you feel a need to try this, then you may be one of the few that truly has earned this:

*Just a tip. – You might want to call the EMT before you light the grill.  You’ll thank me later.

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Stop Motion Goodies

I know some people out there who dig the stop motion. And this vid is a cute reminder of how creative you can be on the cheap.

I can hear some of you starting to grow your own mustaches right now.

Viva la revalution!

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Man, I Don’t Know My Presidents Monday #28 Woodrow Wilson

NickNames

• The Schoolmaster in Politics
• The Professor
• The Phrasemaker
• Coiner of Weasal Words

 

Trivia

• Wilson didn’t learn his letters until he was 9, didn’t learn to read until he was 13. So, Good News, Illiterate tweens! You too can grow up to be president of Princeton and the good ole US of A. But…you  probably won’t.
• Though they never met, Sigmund Freud wrote a treatise on Wilson that claimed he likened himself to Jesus Christ.
• Wilson was married when he was in office to Edith Bolling Galt Wilson. Is it just me or do her middle and maiden names sound like they should be hyphenated and used as a nickname like “Machine Gun” Kelly?
• An avid golfer, Wilson used a black ball when he played in the snow.
• Woody Guthrie is named after him (Woodrow Wilson Guthrie).
• Election results were broadcast for the first time by WWJ in Detroit, MI. (What, did they not have hologram results with Wolf Blitzer back then?)
• After suffering a massive stroke that left him partially paralyzed and nearly blind, his wife ran a “Petticoat Government” She was also referred to as the Iron Queen, the Presidentress and the Regent. Generally considered the most powerful First Lady there ever was.
• Woodrow Wilson had a pet sheep named “Old Ike” that would chew tobacco and graze on the South Lawn.
• Second president to address Congress (the first was Washington).
• His vice president Marshall was the one to utter the famous bon mot, “What this country needs is a good five cent cigar.” Here-Here.

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Separated At Birth

Which tv newsman seems a little too genetically linked to a tv pitchman?

Are they related? One and the same?

Only his hairdresser knows for sure.

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Notes To Puppy #1

Sometimes when I’m rubbing puppy’s belly, I like to coo in her ears and tell her that she’s the cutest pup in the whole land.
But I also use that opportunity to remind her that she should really develop some extra tricks and/or skills because pretty soon, she’s gonna grow up and she won’t be as cute anymore.

People will no longer clamor over her at the Target. Walking down the street will no longer cause cars to slow down and make every other human stop to give her the undiluted adulation. She will have to prostitute herself on the street. Perform a few tricks just to get some of the attention she had once taken for granted.

It’s a tough world out there (some would say ‘Dog eat dog’). And you can’t get by on your looks forever.

The glory days of youth are fleeting.

The world is cruel to the aged.

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Is Food Network Trying to Kill This Guy

OK.

Guy Fieddy (if it is spelled any other way, it is unforgivable making people pronounce it as such).

When I can’t sleep I find his ‘Diners, Drive-ins and Dives’ is on incessantly when most mere mortals are asleep and therefore safe from his tour of bacon grease, beef fat and lard. 

I have no problem with the show.  I love all three of the above (particularly the bacon grease). I simply stand in awe of that man’s constitution.

But mostly I notice he is always attended by a bottle of Pelegrino (the Italian water “mit gas”).  I’m beginning to wonder if there are some secretive healing properties to this water that I was hitherto unaware.

So…

Does Pelegrino negate the constriction of blood vesels and thin the layer of fat that would otherwise build up after consuming three meals a day of deep-fried sausage-filled taquito bombs with chees sauce (wrapped in bacon optional)?

Lemme know. 

I may need the healing powers soon.

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Caption This

What is wrong with this picture? What is wrong with these people?

These kids don’t seem to be remotely excited by the fact that they have R2D2 at their muthafriggin shindig!

Better yet: R2D2 is sporting a tux. He’s like the James Bond of droids, people. Can’t you muster anything? The rest of your life is only gonna be downhill from here kids.

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Man, I Don’t Know My Presidents #27 William Howard Taft

William Howard Taft

1909-1913

Nicked Names

• Old Bill
• Big Lub
• FattyFatty 2×4 Can’t Fit Thru The Bathroom Door
• The 27th President, 10th Chief Justice of US Supreme Court, 1st Provisional Governor of Cuba, 42nd US Secretary of War, 1st Civil Governor of the Philippines, 5th US Solicitor General, 1st in line at a buffet

Taft is really the president that ought to be known as the Trustbuster. He busted over 80, beating that so-called buster (Teddy ‘Not as Busted’ Roosevelt) by about 40. Taft just didn’t happen to rail against business in his rhetoric. That’s right Taft is twice the buster TR ever was, suckas!

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Zen Koan

If you set a movie in South Boston, can it be made if there are no characters named either ‘Paulie,’ ‘Jimmy’ or ‘Doyle’?

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How was Your Holiday?

• Washington Wizards coach Eddie Jordan got word that he was fired at 7:30am Thanksgiving morning outside the arena as he and his wife were handing out turkeys as part of an outreach program. Do you think someone just came over to him and said, “You know what Eddie? I think you might just be in the wrong line. Get on the other side of the table with the other unemployed people.”
• A part time worker at Wal-Mart got trampled to death under the throngs of Black Friday shoppers. What has happened to us as a society when no one notices a man dying in their frenzied rush to get $19 off a crock pot? Even a free XBOX does not warrant overlooking a man’s death.
• CBS got the privilege of airing the match-up everybody was clamoring to see…10-1 Tennessee took on the unblemished 0-11 Detroit Lions. In case you missed it, I won’t tell you who won. The highlights lowlights are surely worth it.
• Two customers shot each other in a California Toys ‘R Us. Police say it had nothing to do with toys. They both thought they heard Tickle Me Elmo say some stuff about them. And then he got handsy. And then he just laughed and laughed and laughed at them.
• And on the bright side, ROSIE! LIVE! is no more. No future variety shows to make sure you miss. Although Dustin Diamond, Charo, Gallagher, Richard Simmons, and Carnie Wilson have to face the sad fact that one of their few opportunities to get back on tv are gone.

No matter who you spent the holiday with, at least you got an extra long weekend. Maybe that just meant two more days of travel or two more days with Uncle Walter or two more days of godforsaken turkey leftovers (that bird does not get more juicy the longer it sits in the fridge!) However you spent it, I hope it was wonderful!

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Now, Cure Cancer!

Today, Tacos. Tomorrow, The World.

You no longer have to load your bountiful taco shells lying down on their sides. They will now stand up to your gluttonous, spiced meat concoction.

But this doesn’t speak to my needs. I will only be satisfied when Old El Paso makes a shell with a reinforced bottom because I am tired of taking one bite and having the whole thing blow-out. If I wanted sour cream and grease on my shirt, I would gently daub it on there myself, thank you very much.

Give me the Stand ‘n Stuff Double Bottome Shell.

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Happy T-Giving!

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The Classics – byRollerblade.

Apparently I am not creative enough with how I use my free time.

Here’s 40 seconds of Mozart’s Symphony No. 40

I could live a few more lifetimes and not have that thought cross my mind.

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Excuse me, Is That Your Son?

We all remember The Harlem Globetrotters, right?

And, of course the most famous, with a 30 year stint (and favorite son of North Carolina) was the aptly named, Curly Neal.

 It seems Curly fathered a son years ago that hasn’t gotten the attention it deserves: One of the stars of NBC’s “Las Vegas” ( – though he changed his name to an all-too-obvious stage name), James Lesure.

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You Caption It #7

 

“Why is Nona taking the picture? She’s the one who is seasick.”

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It feels like a Shpadoinkle Day, no?

But, seriously, I saw reporters filing their stories from outer space last night. I mean that has to be the reason they were hologrammed into the CNN studio. That, or just huge fear Wolf Blitzer’s beard? Holograms?!? We are now using holograms for no apparent reason? Hmmmm…

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What Are You Doing History Channel?

What is with all these programs on yeti and chupacabra and aliens and UFOs?

I think I liked you better when you were just WWII and Nazis and Hitler. Maybe.

I’ll even take the “History’s Mysteries: The Wheel” or “Amazing Discoveries:Water” Just make sure you keep getting Edward Herrmann to narrate everything.

Thank you.

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Ahh, The Tears.

Now, with none of those pesky little Fears.

Happy Day.

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You Caption It – Clown Edition

Guaranteed that Grampa is on the balcony with an arsenal of water balloons.  Bastard ruins everything with his WWII flashbacks.

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Who Won The Debate?

McCain won by virtue of showing up and not imploding. Although it was his to lose because Foreign Affairs was, by all accounts, his area of expertise.

Obama won simply by showing himself to ” appear Presidential”

But the general consensus, by everyone not employed/deployed to a spin room was that no one was the clear victor.

Which is to say, I suppose, that neither of them won over any of the illusive Independent voters. “Winning” seems to be reduced to whichever candidate had the most quotable soundbite (because, of course, all I want from my candidate is terse pith).

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Next VP Candidate

BREAKING NEWS: One of the Vice Presidential candidates will recuse him/herself this week!

I have it on good authority that early this week there will be a shake-up in the vice presidential race. It is the October Surprise that we’ve all come to expect.

 Following Palin’s tragic interview with Katie Couric and the McCain camp refusing to allow her to show up (or spin) at the Presidential debate last Friday, and Sen. Joe Biden’s gaffes of insisting FDR was not only president during the stock market crash of 1929 but, that he also appeared on television to reassure Americans; Americans are demanding a different Vice Presidential candidate. 

One of the candidates will  back out. We have reliable information on who will be replaced and who that replacement will be.

Click to Find Out.

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Wow Ad Wednesday – #79 Gilette

When I first looked at it, I thought the message was something along the lines as “smooth as a baby”

But then I read the line, ‘Begin Early. Shave Yourself.’ So maybe, it’s so safe, a baby can use it. Or ‘If you start shaving young maybe you can get a five o’clock shadow going before you’re 7′?

Doc Ad, what’s the deal with this ad???

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It’s the 60th Emmy Awards…

Also known as the Ultimate Celebration of the Banal! YYYYEEAAAAAAAAHHHH.

The 5 Hosts (aka The 5 guys relegated to hosting reality show programs because they have no discernible talents of their own) are out to open the show and get this…they’ve got nothing. It’s not a bit. They really are such blow-hards that they couldn’t agree for a direction for the opening of the show. HaHaHa. B-holes.

Oooh. Talk about B-holes. Piven wins for Best Supporting Actor-Comedy. Listen to me children, A good heairpiece will inevitably make all the difference in your career. Even if it’s in the janitorial services industry. It is ALWAYS about the hair.

They re-created the Seinfeld diner. It looks nothing like the Seinfeld diner. Thanks TV production magic! And Best Supporting Actress Comedy goes to Jean Smart (who apprarently has like 17 of the babies already, for her amazing ability to play women of a certain age with Southern accents – Did you know she’s really from Minnesota? And she’s 19? And she’s a size 00? That’s ACT-ing).

Conan presents and “was gonna do some more material but Katherine Heigl said it wasn’t Emmy-worthy” Take that, You Ungrateful So-and-So!

Daily Show wins Best Comedy, Musical or Variety just after The Colbert Report wins for the writing in that same category so everybody’s happy.

Josh Groban sings a few measures of a bunch of television theme songs, including the rapping of Fresh Prince of BelAir’s intro. Quelle Suprise, Not Bad.

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Caption This! #9

You Caption It…

“No need to put your arm out Katie, your outfit will repel all the men on its own.”

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M, IDKMYP #24 Grover Cleveland

For More on Cleveland see the original post on #22 Grover Cleveland here.

NickNames for Cleveland:

• Mistake by the Lake
• Blunder from Down Under
• The Query from Lake Erie
• Faux Pas by His Ma and Pa
• Impropriety from High Society
• The Black Eye from the Buckeye
• The Blooper of a trooper
• Square nut in an oval hole
• An Error of an Heir

 

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You Caption It #8

This seems like it needs the simple, obvious and direct caption:

 

“Hello, Ladies.”

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