TV, TV, TV

Models Say the Darndest Things. On this week’s episode of America’s Next Top Model:

We check in on a gaggle of “ethnic girls” (as they call themselves) confronting a girl from a small town in Alaska on being racist. Here are her thoughts on the incident…

   ”If their whole perogative was to hurt me or to make me cry, well, then, you got me. That’s like gang rape.   That’s like gang violence.”

Hannah, honey, you might be overstating things a wee bit.  – - The best line of the show must go to the girl who got sent packing. She just shrugged and threw her hands up and said with a straight face, “I guess I’ll be an anesthesiologist.” She’s got that little skill to fall back on? Whew. (Either that or a very keen sense of the ironic, acknowledging the world’s view that models don’t know that word, couldn’t spell it, let alone realize it’s a possible occupation).

OPEN LETTER to the writers of Gossip Girl.

Dear Writers:

You can try and write a seduction complete with chocolate covered strawberries but if you set the scene ona Greyhound bus…it pretty much negates the entire idea. Who is gonna grab someone for a little light dalliance in a Greyhound bathroom. That is fundamentaly, perhaps criminally, insane. Sheesh. (Would you like a side of e. coli with your crabcakes?) Please do not try and turn our stomachs with your racy notions.

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Wow! Advertising Wednesday

I am absolutely befuddled by this advert.

No idea what is being sold me. No idea what the concept is. I plead ignorance.

Am I being bullied? Frightened? Tickled?

Help us, Doc Ad!

 

 

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You Caption It #7

 

“I just felt a warm spot… JACK!”

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Happiness Is…

I’ve recently discovered an odd scientific phenomenon. The red “pebbles” in Fruity Pebbles (TM) are always the last holdouts in your bowl of milk.

Now that I think about it…there really needs to be some more detailed analysis done on this controversial finding.

Don’t pity me, I do it all in the name of science.

I’m off to do more research.

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Wow! Advertising Wednesday #16

Sometimes I get annoyed with the anthropomorphizing of animals…But fruit?

Now you have really gone too far, Advertising World.

I need a shower. For both me and my amazingly sensuous melons.

I feel like someone is trying to put their odd perversions in my head, trying to share their personal, screwed-up proclivities with the entire world. “See, I told you, everyone gazes longingly at their own peaches* every now and again, Tom.”

*It’s so contagious that everytime I think of which fruit to place in one of these sentences, I feel dirty. Try substituting strawberries, figs, kumquats – almost anything and have it not sound slightly dirty!

Tell us, Do Ad, Why do we need to look at our fruit in this new, much sexier manner?

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You Know Which Camp You’re In

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M, IDKMYP #22 – Grover Cleveland

Grover Cleveland

(1885-1889)

•  Uncle Jumbo
• The Perpetual Candidate
• The Stuffed Prophet
• Elephantine Economist
• The Hangman of Buffalo
• His Obstinancy or The Veto President
• The Beast of Buffalo

 

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You Caption It!

“I know, Mom, I know. A carton of Kents is more than I deserve. (Though they can’t kill me fast enough).”

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Salad Dressing – Product Reviews

We here in Austin are lucky enough to have access to a unique salad dressing.

Unique in the fact that it’s local but, unfortunately, it is marketed in the absolute wrong way.

Here’s what some of our readers have to say:

• “Should be called ‘Lower Colon Decimator’.”
• “If Jackson Pollack worked in fecal matter, he’d have a sure fire hit on his hands.”
• “When you want an excuse to leave a meeting – and wipe from ankles to forehead, look no further!”
• “If you’ve been waiting for that really good excuse to thoroughly clean your toilet, THIS IS IT!
• “Ana’s and Bulimics of the world: REJOICE! No more down time waiting for a laxative to kick in!”
• “Should be packaged with a four pack of Charmin!”
• “Tastes Great – Less Filling.”

If they only marketed this as super-direct way to empty your bowels, they’d be rolling in the dough (or something). No laxative, no metamucil…one teaspoon of this and I guarantee you’re in the bathroom within 12 minutes! – It doesn’t matter your constitution!

Bravo, Mr. Oka, Bravo!

If only I had this information days ago – - Oh, well. Next time, then.

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Wow! Ad Wedneday Bad Eggs

(Subtitled: Ab Ovo Ad Ovum)

I think, in the future we will come to view this as eggstremely eggregious. Eggistentially speaking, We are better than this! We start off with Bin Laden, (the arch-eggemy who currently dictates our entire foreign policy)

(Has the thought crossed your mind that unless Doc Ad gets here (and we don’t want to egg on our favorite media commentator) quick you’re in for a lot more where that came from? Cause you’d be eggactly right!)

This is going to be eggasperating. Suckers!

If you’re not with me now, you will be…But wait! There’s more. It’s a whole campaign. Yay!

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2008 Olympic Thoughts and Snark – Our Roundup.

There was a lot to be learned from these Olympic games, to be sure. Some positive, some not-so-much. I enjoyed them more than I thought I would and found myself drawn in. But once inside, sometimes you saw a weird bit of human nature. (You know that old ‘Triumph and Tragedy’ chestnut)

So here are some of highs and lows….Or what we learned…Or what we took away from these 2008 Olympic Games…Or whatever.

• One commentator noted the “Amazing Dedication of the kids” referring to a story that a member of a team asked her new coach for a weekend off from training, and when the coach asked her why she needed the time off she replied she hadn’t seen her family in 12 years…”Isn’t that an amazing level of dedication?” Yes, exactly the same attitude I have towards indentured servitude – I simply marvel at their high levels of dedication. And enslavement.
• There was a diver who “dealt with fear and to this day sometimes can’t bring himself jump off the board”. I understand fear. But, a little heads up: You may be in the wrong line of work. (Sorry to be harsh).  Maybe if his dad were treading water in the pool cheering him on, he would feel more positive encouragement to actually dive instead of pooping his barely clothed bottom in fear?
• Please stop referring to the Rythmic Gymnasts as atheletes. It cheapens the word all the way around.  Sure, they get to go out in the gym and get all flexible, but it’s a fine line between these gals and the hippy chicks at a Dead concert.
• I saw the term “Stink Face” personified.  We like Nastia and appreciate her medalling for the US in a bunch of events.  But man, when she is pre-game, her face is all bitch-cakes.  Her mouth is frowning and terse and her eyes are like olympic lasers ready to cut a Chinese athlete in half.  Love her, but let’s cut to a little vignette of her driving her Porsche or something instead of all of those close ups of her face when she’s Doctor Evil Dominant and intense.
• Americans runners may spend hours on the track but, they crucially forget to practice a baton handover.  Hint for 2012: Velcro gloves.
• Poor sportsmanship is enough to negate you effort entirely. I’m looking at you Swedish wrestler, “Hissy fits are not rewarded on the Olympic level. (But if they were you’d have a shot at gold, doofus)”.
• Canoeing is obviously the toughest sport, or how else do explain the only person to puke on the podium?
• Some British newspapers find a new way everyday to add pictures like this:

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M,IDKMPM #21 Chester A. Arthur

Chester A. Arthur

Sept 19, 1881 – March 4, 1885

 

 

• Elegant Arthur
• The Gentleman Boss
• The Dude President (Inspiration for the “Big Lebowski”)
• Our Chet

                                  

 

Arthir was chosen by Garfield to be his running mate at the 1880 Republican National Convention because he was a stalwart (the support of which Garfield did not have) and Garfield knew the vote would be close. In some ways this was to be his undoing since Charles Guiteau shot Garfield saying “I am a Stalwart of the Stalwarts…Arthur is president now!!” Arthur was shocked by the assassination and mortified of Guiteau’s claim of political unity.

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Odd Olympic Events

They tried. They failed. We’re all for innovation here at the ‘Tuss but we alwaysknow when to say ‘When’…

Solo Synchronized Swimming (1992) It’s an oxy-moron, ya morons! Couldn’t you have called something else similarly as lame, like Water Dancing?  Swamcing?

Live Pigeon Shooting (1900) – Only time in Olympic history live animals were exterminated utilized in sport. Let loose some birds and see how many one person can kill take as prize. The gold medalist took 71 pigeons.  (There also was a “Running Deer Single Shot (1906-1936) but that was a more humane moving paper target).

Pistol Dueling (1906) – Participants didn’t shoot at each other but at dummies…dressed in fancy frock coats of the day, but with bullseyes painted on the chest.  The sport never took off, but the coats where a big hit!

Tug Of War (1900-1920): Team of 8 had to pull their opponents 6 feet. If it hadn’t happened in 5 minuttes, whoever had pulled the other team the farthest was the winner.  This would be a great event today, for our WWF athletes.

Cricket – Only in 1900. So popular, only 2 countries even had teams (Great Britain and France) Britain won.  USA should have assembled a team, becuase just showing up would have won bronze.

Poodle Clipping (1900) – This seems to have been speed not subjective quality rankings. The winner clipped 17 poodles in 2 hours.  Who where the athletes, the poodles or the clipperers?  Obviously, this was a one-timer event only held in France, of course.

Club Swinging – (1904, 1932) Complicated routines involving swinging a ribboned-festooned club around the head. In the 1932 Games, an unemployed American (in the midst of the Great Depression) took the gold and hitchicked home from the LA games.

Rope Climbing – (1896, 1904, 1906, 1924, 1932) – Sounds easy, everyone born in the second half of the 20th century had to participate in gym, right? In the 1896 Games, only 2 competitors completed the task.  Obviously, they didn’t have my gym teacher as coach or they all would have made it.  And no sliding down, it turns out not to be as fun as it sounds!

Bridge (2002) – I can support any Olympic event that provides snacks. And can encourage any age or body type. Why this wasn’t didn’t last is beyond me.

Motor Boating – Only in the 1908 Games. It was a flop.  I gues in 1908, if you could make a motor work on demand, you deserved a medal.  And 19 mph was the average speed… wow/yawn.

Jeu de Paume (1900) – Translated means ‘game of palm‘ It was the precursor to tennis and is played in  roughly (pun intended) the same manner. Seems a natural these days, no fancy equipment needed, open to all comers. Practice anywhere.  Teenage boys are typically exceptional at this.

Long Jump for Horses You’ve got an athletic horse, you want to show it off..but there doesn’t seem to be a lot of skill involved for the people. Give JuanInaAMillion a gold but not his rider Juan ICouldn’tCarlos.

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You Caption It!

Bretislav hated his playpen for years, but when he eventually medalled in The Robot in the 2020 Olympics, he finally forgave his parents.

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Casin-Oh?

I’m not saying it’s not deserved but -

I don’t think all ’pale face’ are gonna miss the joke.

It is in Southern California so…pretty apt. And if you build it, we’re sure the morons will go and loose all their hard-earned whompum (and drink too many over-priced scalpitinis – just don’t hesitate to “give them back” at the end of the night).

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M,IDKMPM #20 James Garfield

James A. Garfield

March 4, 1881-September 19, 1881

 

• The President Preacher (was a lay preacher for the Church of Christ)
• Boatman Jim or The Canal Boy (referring to early occupation)
• The Plow-Boy of Ohio

At the time of the Republican National Convention, Garfield was a current member of the House of Representatives. Right before he left for the convention, he had been named to replace a senate seat from Ohio that had just been vacated. By the 36th vote at the convention, Garfield had been named nominee for the presidential election and that senate seat Garfield now declined eventually went to John Sherman (who Garfield had gone to the convention to support as presidential nominee).

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Favorite Flavor Ice Cream? Mine’s Vanilla with Splinters.

I reeeeaally like ice cream…

But in the whole of my adult life, I have never once been eating ice cream and thought, “Gee, I wish I had one of those wooden tongue depressor- shaped spoons to eat it with.”

I cannot possibly be the only child of the 70′s that was forced to eat a cup of ice cream at school or a church camp with the ‘splinters for your tongue waiting to happen paddles,’ can I?

Are children still forced to use those atrocities?

Was that one of FDR’s cultural programs? He brought work to the Pacific Northwest lumber communities by having them design splinter spatulas?

Those things are the mouth equivalent of fingernails on a chalkboard for me.

Ohhhhhhhh, the nightmares

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You Caption It.

“Does this thing make me look gay?”

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MIDKMPM, Rutherford B. Hayes

 Rutherford B Hayes

1877-1881

NICKNAMES:

• Rutherfraud
• His Fraudulancy
• The Usurper
• Granny Hayes
• Queen Victoria in Riding Britches
• The Great Unknown
• President de Facto
• Dark Horse Prsident

[Is that a reconstructed nation in your beard or are you just a scary old dude?]

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When Good Manners Go Bad

I’m on the phone with a Customer Service Representative and I’m trying to be as polite and friendly as possible in order to work out a mutual mistake (that quite clearly does not involve me giving my credit card number and subsequent $2,782.43 to PervOrProgrammer.com).

Unfortunately, I’m in a “Pat” situation where I literally cannot tell if the person on the other end is a woman that has smoked more than a carton of ciggies a day, or a man who, on the best of days, merits the term “effete” lobbed at him, or maybe an alien that sucked up an entire gravel driveway on their way into work at the call center this morning.

Anywhoodle, this situation ends up involving a lot of involuntary “YesMa’am-YesSir-YesThankYou-YesPlease-s.” (It starts of strong and resolute and then sort of tapers into a questioning whisper).

In my head, I keep telling myself, “Whatever you do, do not use a personal pronoun toward him/her/it.” But to no avail. If I had just decided on one and kept it consistent, I’d have a 50/50 shot. Had I gotten it wrong, maybe he/she/it would have just assumed there was a bad connection. But, nooooo. I kept having to cover me bases.

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Wow! Ad Wednesday

Wow! Wednesday is right. These guys are frolicking and saving money! And if you ran this ad these days, you could run it under the guys guise of being very “green” or “enviroinmentally conscious”, rather than the more obvious, “homoerotic“.

Doc Ad, we are begging the question, “Why did they put their heads together?” And what on earth is so darned funny? Let us in on the joke, please.

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If I Were A Rapper…

I think I’d go by the name, “Fairly Nefarious.”

It’s new. It’s classy. And it reflects my toughness and my desire to do ill (as well as my proclivity to burn in the summer’s sun).

(Although I’d really have to figure out some sort of simple obfuscation for the spelling of it, and that could take me a lifetime. 

Best bet: If we could all agree that the ‘/’ mark can represent the scales of justice and in this case can substitute for the word, ‘fair’, my best guess is to go with “/ly Ne/ious”. Can we all agree from this point hence on that meaning? If not, I’m open to suggestions…

PostHaste, people! My burgeoning career hangs in the balance.

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Redneck Weekend

If a friend told you that they had a “redneck weekend”  the mind reels with possibilities… 

• Went to a tractor-pull
• Spent hours muddin’
• Took a turn at ropin’ at the rodeo or a stock show
• Dined on squirrel stew
• Spray painted you girlfriend’s name on an overpass
• Attended a wedding at the local country club which is up on wheels – as it’s a double-wide trailer
• Brainstormed name for girlfriend’s four-wheeler (ie, mud-slinger, sod-buster, ass-launcher, etc.)
• Sorted outhouse porn collection for ease of selection (your cross referencing would make Dewey proud – and simultaneously blush).
• Poured hot chocolate in your Reeboks and called them winter shoes
• Attended to 2008 washing of tank tops, muscle T’s, wife beaters (or any article of clothing which shares a names with domestic violence) and t-shirts (sleeves cut off)
• Re-worked the curl on all your baseball hats
• Took your long bow out to get dinner (and rid the neighborhood of possum)
• Slid into the tightest pair of nut-huggin Wranglers
• Got loaded; loaded guns; Lost one buddy (he obviously doesn’t understand gun safety)
• Laminated NRA membership card (put spit shine on)
• Considered the rumor that “coon hound” originally meant a dog for the hunting of racoons
• Shined deer with police issue spotlight mounted to the drivers’ side window
• Put moves on sister / cousin / mother; Got to second base.

But  when you find out that he chewed tobaco (fine, upstanding thing to do), went fishing (All-American), and drank beer (Downright Patriotic!), then it is a bit of a letdown.  If you say redneck, you better get down with slapping the back of your neck ’til that sombitch is ruby, and then commence with one of the above. 

Consider me unimpressed.

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Wow Ad Wednesday

Your target demographic is women. Got it.

 

 

Tab Energy. In all actuality, this ad should involve the question, “Do you like to eat a handful of sweet-tarts and wash it down with Robitussin? Then we have an energy drink for you!”

 ’Fuel to be Fabulous’ would seem to target a more homosexual market but the “deliciously pink drink because women need a different kind of energy” seems fairly specific. Women need energy to rip you a new one when they’re PMSing…or antiquing. Women need the energy to birth your babies and put up with your drunk friends who can’t believe that the Sawks aren’t gonna win another pennant…

Ugh…Being a woman is hard. Where is my TabEnergy? Or at the very least my amazingly smoooove Doc Ad?

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American Family Association

You remember the American Family Association, right? They’re pro-family.

But not the gay kind.

And families might not be for you if you have AIDS (it’ll be hard to maintain close ties with all the quarantining). And Jews should maybe not be invited to have Families either. Other than that, they seem to be about Families for Everybody!

Oh, and a lot of boycotts. Yay!

Currently the AFA are boycotting McDonaldsbecause they joined something called the National Gay and Lesbian Chamber of Commerce and therefore are “aggressively promoting the homosexual agenda”. I happen to love America because a boycott is a solid way to register your outrage. And we’re all entitled to our own opinions.

And I like reading comments from some of my fellow Americans. It’s good to see how very similar we can be. And also not. No matter your views…some are just worded in a way that caused a giggle.

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You Caption It!

 

“Umm, Daddy? I really like him and all but…he smells kinda funny. You’re really, absolutely positively sure he’s a dog, huh? – Uhhhhhh. Sometimes I wish mommy were still around.”

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Are you Smarter than an Eighth Grader?

Here’s a quick quiz so see if you’d pass 8th grade science.

I would in no way like to share my grade with you.

Apropos of nothing, I would like to take a minute to say that my middle school was a classical arts magnet school and we did have all sorts of dance, music, theater, band, orchestra, jazz bands, etc. 

My school might not have spent their entire budget on the science department. My class was in a basement. My teacher quit in the first quarter, replaced by a substitute for 2 months, ending with a new permanent teacher for the last quarter. And I think there was another pregnant lady in there somewhere.

None of this reflects in my awesome score on this test. I’m just sayin’…

Seriously, I did fine on the test. I just don’t happen to want to talk about it. Just feeling a little shy. I did really well, though – Honest.

Shut it!

Move along.

Take the test yourself. You can tell me how you did. I won’t tell anyone else. Honest. Swearsies!

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Wow Ad Wednesday!

So, I don’t know what year this would have been?

Maybe, 19-Oh-Racist?

The message seems clear. You want to get rid of rats, mice, bedbugs, flies or roaches? Buy a box of chinamen for 15 cents! They will eat you out of your problem. Ugh.

  

We are making fun of the diets of coolie-hat wearing asians, right? Good work agency du jour! 

But for in-depth analysis, let’s consult the expert…

Some say he invented the infomercial, but he has repeatedly denied it, although never under oath.  Others say he abhors tomato juice, but loves a Bloody Mary.  No matter, he is the Doctor, and he is preferred by your provider.

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Ummm…Sir, Is That Your Son?

I didn’t really realize it before.

But this guy…

 

Might just be the father of this guy:

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What’s On Your Wedding Band?

This site gives you some examples of the engravings they’ve done inside people’s wedding bands. Some very tender, heartfelt and romantic. Others – probably special in their own way. And some almost seem passive aggressive (but in the way that’s cute at first but 6 years later, more of the aggressive starts to shine through)

• You wore me down – Not even an attempt at sweetness or romance, just a, “Fine, you win.”
• Tricky little love machine – Maybe a step too far.  You could have just put “You are a tough one to satisfy in the sack, but we worked at it and finally got the job done.”  But that would’ve had to have been a pretty large ring.
• Better Than Ice Cream – But that inscription? Worse than a trip to the dentist.
• You’re an amazing sales rep – Just bad, even if it’s a lame joke about selling her on you; worse if you really were ‘Sales Rep of the Month.’
• Happy Now? Good. – See “You wore me down.”
• Remember, I’m a Wyoming Redneck – Hide your sheep.
• Amateurs hope, professionals work. – This guy must work at the company that makes those horrible inspirational posters that go in offices, and should be shot.
• Race you to the shower – Slightly better than “Get me a beer. I’ll time you.”

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