Archive for February 3rd, 2008

I think a good wager to make with your co-workers for Super Bowl Sunday (or even other home town rivalries) is to force the loser to dress up like the winning teams’ mascot.

This year one would be forced to either dress up like a Patriot (Tri-corner hat and a smart velveteen suit with knickers and a ruffled bib) or a Giant (ill-fitting, ripped tee shirt and, tattered, once again, knee length pants).

There are some mascots I can’t figure out. Like the Green Bay Packers. Do they have a mascot? I know about the “cheeseheads.” And I get it. Wisconsin makes cheese. North Carolina is a big supplier of our nation’s pork but no one’s is walking around a Panthers game with an oversized sausage on top of their head. Or stips of bacon flapping in the wind from of their noggin.

While we’re on the subject of mascots, it dawned on me that, in this age of ever increasing political correctness, when teams are petitioned every so often by the more marginalized populations of this country to, ‘Please, for the love of Animal Spirit, change the mascot of your team,’ that teams should embrace the change and use the opportunity to go in a new direction. 

I think the Dallas Cowboys are onto something. People like an excuse to put on their boots and cowboy hats and support their team. People paint their faces up like Jaguars in union with the team. So why not choose your next mascot on what you would like to see your fans dressed as? Seriously. Ravens aren’t that ferocious anyway. Ditch the thinking that your mascot will strike fear in the hearts of your opponents and simply distract them with your new team, The San Jose Slutty Nurses.

Women have proven, Halloween and Halloween again, that they love to dress up as a slutty nurse. Or a slutty cop. Or a slutty pirate. Basically, anything slutty. Give them any opportunity and they will jump at it. Let them. It serves as a good distraction for the other team. It allows fans to really get excited about the game. And maybe you can generate some extra revenue by selling rohypnol at the concessions booth!

It’s a win all the way around.

See our list of Worst Team Mascots here.

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Doesn’t matter whether it’s college or pro. Have we left any out?

  • Watersweet Nimrods. Yes, it means ‘mighty warrior of God’ but it has other meanings too, ‘ya Nimrods.
  • University of Idaho Vandals. Either refers to the East Germanic tribe of marauders or what the team supporters tend to resort to when they lose.
  • Whittier College Poets. Their poetry is much, much, much funnier than yours!
  • Lemoyne-Owen College Magicians.* Either Fierce or fairly poncy. You decide.
  • NC School of the Arts Fighting Pickles. Striking fear in the hearts of opponents with a vinegar based vengeance.
  • RISD Nads. You realize athletics aren’t your strong suit. You giggle when “Scrotie” bops about the hockey rink and you get to cheer, ‘Go Nads!’
  • Pace University Setters. Pace Setters, you devils.
  • Montgomery Biscuits. Boy, that is one team that I want to sink my teeth into. Hot, flakey, buttery layers of victory.
  • UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs. Bright yellow, slimy, shell-less mollusk. Shudder.
  • Hawaii Rainbow Warriors. Fighting for the rights of alternative lifestyles everywhere. Not butch enough.

I cannot believe there isn’t a small art school that has adopted the “Goths.”

*Lemoyne-Owen does have the added benefit that their QB is the only one in the league allowed a scantily-clad assistant. Although he does have to play in full tails and a top hat. Holds the record for most silk scarves dropped on the field in one game.

 See Part Two of our List here.

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