Archive for February 13th, 2008


This is a good ad.

This woman is dazzlingly beautiful but now we know the horrors that lurk beneath her smile. She’s hiding a mouth full of unspeakable stink. (Yay!). Sometimes we can thank our lucky stars that we cannot smell a photograph. (Shudder). I only wish there was some sort of colorized green mustard-gas escaping from her vile mouth to drive the point home.

Thanks for making me doubt my already shaky self-esteem, Advertising Community. Thousands will lose friends due to the rampant outbreak of bad breath. Omigod. Paranoia has set in.

I learned a few things about bad breath. Bad breath is caused by constipation (which also causes loss of appetite, weakness, nervousness, and mental dullness. – Good news, Maybe Billy’s not so dumb after all, just constipated!).

These magical olive tablets “stimulate the flow of bile from the liver.” How graphically medicinal!

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The Daily Show and the Colbert Report will be funny again as early as TO-DAY!

The comedies like MyName is Earl, The Office and 30 Rock will probably do 6-8 new episodes airing at the end of March or April. SNL will return Feb 23. Dramas will take longer and only the established ones will return. No new Life, Pushing Daisies, or Chuck until the fall.

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  1. Most non-cotton sweaters – Do you have a 1/4 scale human living with you?  Watch your damn sweaters becuase somebody has there eyes on them and knows how to make them theirs.
  2. Cashmere socks – Unless you feet are shrinking and you like crustiness instead of the luxurious glory of cashe.
  3. Chapstick – Amazingly enough, little to no damage occurs, but that chapstick tube is empty and clean as a whistle.  Where did it go?  Waxxy heaven I guess.
  4. Cat – Sure it’s warm and fun, but only for a little while.  Then it’s a hell hole of spinning feline death, and not in the good way.
  5. Jeans with a sticker that I had previously removed from apple/orange – ’nuff said.
  6. Report Card – No, this one can be a winner, if you have a crap report card.
  7. Gum – Some folks say that nothing is forever, but I guarentee that the crusty gum residue will be on the inside of your pocket long after the pants are at the Good Will and you’re taking the dirt nap.
  8. Pack of tissues – This defies explanation, but those little pocket packs of tissues once washed and then dried explode in to billions of barbed velcro-like fibers that stick to everything.  There is no way to remove them short of several more wahsings and dryings.  The lint roler bows in discrace when facing this challenge.
  9. Cell phone – Take it from me, there is no bringing that one back! Although, maybe you like a new paperweight?
  10. Tool box– Loud as crap if you’re tryin to watch tv, althought the tools are shiny and fresh as an Irish spring.

Did we miss anything?

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