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Archive for April, 2008

Awww. A favorite of ours. Fertile ground in a bygone era. I love the smell of racism in the morning.

 

We acknowledge Indigenous Americans as having a rich full history. We acknowledge that they have their own culture and heritage, customs and traditions. But mostly we just remember that they used to scalp people. Everyone remembers that.

So, we’ll use our shared knowledge to sell…hairbrushes!  But of course.

Where our knowledge is a little thin is in the world of advertising, and that’s why we call in THE expert…

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Here’s a little tip: If you leave the television on, do not be surprised if while you’re bringing in groceries you hear this:

“So I left and then went outside and politely took his windshield out.”

(Someone named “Judge Alex”) incredulously asks, “You are saying you “politely” bashed in his windshield with a baseball bat?”

“Yes sir. That is what I did.”

Surprisingly enough, I did not wait around to find out exactly how one completes that task politely.  But I saw the young lady who claimed to do just that, and if anyone can do it – it’s the kind of gal who decides to wear a tube top to court.

Court that is nationally televised.

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Millard Fillmore

July 1850- March 1853

  • The Accidental President
  • Wool-Carder-President
  • The American Louis Philippe

 

 

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STORY SYNOPSIS:

CampLocke: Playing Risk – Australia is the key to whole game. (Referencing Claire? Plane departure?)

Locke gets a phone call – Code 14-J: Ben’s non-plussed. They’re Heeeeere!

Ben wants Locke to survive, “It’s very imporatant that you survive what’s about to happen here John.”  Ben needs John to talk to Jacob. And they both need Hurley to find Jacob’s cabin.

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This site gives you some examples of the engravings they’ve done inside people’s wedding bands. Some very tender, heartfelt and romantic. Others – probably special in their own way. And some almost seem passive aggressive (but in the way that’s cute at first but 6 years later, more of the aggressive starts to shine through)

  • You wore me down – Not even an attempt at sweetness or romance, just a, “Fine, you win.”
  • Tricky little love machine – Maybe a step too far.  You could have just put “You are a tough one to satisfy in the sack, but we worked at it and finally got the job done.”  But that would’ve had to have been a pretty large ring.
  • Better Than Ice Cream – But that inscription? Worse than a trip to the dentist.
  • You’re an amazing sales rep – Just bad, even if it’s a lame joke about selling her on you; worse if you really were ‘Sales Rep of the Month.’
  • Happy Now? Good. – See “You wore me down.”
  • Remember, I’m a Wyoming Redneck – Hide your sheep.
  • Amateurs hope, professionals work. – This guy must work at the company that makes those horrible inspirational posters that go in offices, and should be shot.
  • Race you to the shower – Slightly better than “Get me a beer. I’ll time you.”

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After having so much fun with my Project Ludwig Snare Drum, I decided I needed another project…

Are you familiar with the Rogers Dyna-Sonic snare drum?  If not, you should be.  They were once called “The Cadillac of snare drums,” and they featured some of the most unique innovations.  And I just bought one off of some StonerDude down in Kyle, Texas.

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So, tough sell…trying to make a language course into a sexy, interesting or otherwise note-worthy advert.

Hu-zzah! Learn On The Go language courses.

Body copy reads:

“They Used to Sacrifice People Here – If they start old habits, wouldn’t you like to talk them out of it?”

If this isn’t exactly racist, then at the very least it’s xenophobic. I’m not sure about the origins of this ad but I certainly wouldn’t be surprised if it were British. It smacks of their imperialistic disdain for the natives. Tut, Tut.

The alarms sounds (a scantily clad native bellows on his conch shell (Ahh-OOO-gah!)) beckoning to him and out from his hut stumbles… DOC AD!

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Zachary Taylor

(March 4, 1849 – July 9, 1850)

  • Old Rough and Ready (disdained the luxurious afforded to senior officers, preferring to ‘rough it’ along with all the other ranks)
  • Old Zach
  • Hero of Buena Vista (referring to Mexican War)

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We love the bad photoshop and nothing is better than photoshop disaters which documents all the badness. So much badness. (Really, a fun site, you can blow through the whole thing in 15 minutes).

I think you may notice some continuity issues between her head and the rest of her body, yeah? Seems one is more tan than the other…

But here’s a great photoshop – the realization of Homer Simpson in human form. Truly remarkable

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Less than a minute long. Includes a rhyme with Stephanopoulos. Makes fun of the last ABC debate not focusing on the “real issues.”

 

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Lonely Planet travel writer admits to not setting foot in country he wrote about – That clears up the confusion over the whole of Colombia being described as surprisingly similar to a one bedroom apartment in San Francisco. 

Heather MIlls plans to move to America – In the end it’s only fair as Courtney Love plans to move to the UK, so the ‘Super-Nutball-Crazy Scales’ remain in balance.

Scientists have discovered molecule sized switch that will allow mp3 players to hold millions of songs. – Finally I can get all of Chicago’s back catalogue onto one ipod!

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Saw the IMAX Shine the Light Stones concert the other night.  The Audio alone is worth the price of admission. You can tell the Mick and the boys have had not ‘work’ done on there appearances.  They do look their age.  I wish I had their energy.

Link to the site http://www.shinealightmovie.com/.

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My last post featured an IWC, and for some, that is an unknown brand.  For this week, I’m going with what is likely the most well known watch brand ever.  That brand is, of course, Rolex; specifically the Rolex Oyster Perpetual Submariner. 

The Sub is probably the watch that got me interested in watches.  I’ve always loved them from the first time I saw James Bond glance down at his wrist and the camera zoomed in on that great looking dive watch.  I’ve never owned one one but I dare say that I will at some point in my life.

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Riddle Me This.

When exactly did the phrase “I’m so over it” come to mean the exact opposite?

That phrase only serves to perface another hour long rant on whatever the person is “so over.”

And you know what?

I’m.

So.

Over It.

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Crayola Big Box of 64 (Now With Built in Crayon Sharpener!) turns the Big 5-0 this week. (Thank God Crayola’s over it’s mid-life crisis. But I’m glad it kept the convertible top)!

I’ve always appreciated the liberty Crayola has taken with their color names over the years. As they currently stand right now, they have some not-so-easily identifiable colors such as:

  • Jazzberrry jam– Ohhh! The insatiable life-quest of wanting that first jazzberry of spring. Ahh, the disappointment.
  • timberwolf – A newly discovered gray too; Amazing as black and white are not even in the mix anymore
  • outer space – In space, nobody can hear you scream… when you color outside the lines.
  • bittersweet – Really just waxy Nestle’s chocolate chips melted and reformed as delicious crayons, or possibly the color of your soul after 20 years in middle-management and your first divorce.
  • beaver– ummm…. 
  • manatee– Formerly sea cow, but that was clearly sizeist (and also still ambiguous).

For the big birthday bash they let 20,000 kids vote for eight special edition color names. I’ll give you a dollar if you can name the hue that is “Awesome” or “Bear Hug” or “Best Friends” (I know, I know, one of your “Best Friends” is a black crayon).

Quick question, do kids today even use crayons anymore?  Or do they simply Google a coloring program, download it, and set the software to automatically colorize the drawing – all while texting their fellow second graders and playing Wii?

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I am not quite sure… is there a subliminal entendre somewhere in this ad? You get a fat knuckle sandwich if you find it! Excuse me but it seems she is opening her mouth to drink in the awful stench of a penny cigar? That can’t possibly be right!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bottomline: Women find a cigarello the epitome of C-L-A-S-S. – Or is it K-L-A-S-S? Doesn’t matter.

And men, is there anything sexier than a women who shadows you everywhere you go? “Where are you going now? Don’t leave. Let me come too.” Ugh. Women.

Let’s ring up a man who knows the truth…

PAGING DOCTOR ADVERTISING! –

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Did you go to college on the East Coast? No? Did you know the phenomenon that was the a capella group? No? Not familiar…Take a look…

Depending on your level of punny-ness this could equally be called “The Best A Capella Group Names” or simultaneously, “The Worst A Capella Group Names.”

  • University of Pennsylvania – The Penny Loafers
  • University of North Carolina – Clef Hangers
  • Michigan State University’s all male – Accafellas
  • Brandeis University (assumingly all male) – Voicemale
  • Johns Hopkins – Mental Notes
  • Penn – Chord on Blue
  • Duke – DejaBlue
  • Cornell and Oberlin both have – Nothing But Treble
  • University of Connecticut – Chordials
  • MIT – Chorallaries
  • UC Berkeley – DaCadence
  • CalTech – Fluid Dynamics
  • University of Michigan – Compulsive Lyres
  • Cornell – Key Elements
  • York University – Wibijazz’n
  • UC Berkeley – Artists in Resonance
  • Emory University -Aural Pleasure

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James K. Polk (1845-1849)

  • Young Hickory -Because he was backed by “Old Hickory,” Andrew Jackson
  • Napoleon of the Stump -Due to fiery speeches at the stump
  • Dark Horse Candidate – Le Duh.

(Wait. – Are you seeing what I’m seeing? James Polk rocked a mullet. Kudos).

When Polk took office he had four clear objectives:

  • Purchase of California from Mexico
  • Reduction of tariffs
  • Re-establish the Independent Treasury System
  • Acquire part or all of the Oregon territory

Resolved to only serve one term, Polk accomplished all four of his goals. (Are you loving Polk yet? Doesn’t he seem like a breath of fresh air?)

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Finding out what’s gotten stuck in this man’s craw!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honestly, at this point he’s just phoning it in. I don’t think he’s really got the energy to get irate anymore. But, to tell you what’s got him pretending to be angry this week is…

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Stephen Colbert is a really delicious flavor of ice cream.

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Ahhhh. The Portable Pedestrian Crossing. No more jaywalking for you! Simply pull out your painted mat, unfurl and nobly walk across any street – any time, any where. The world must come to a screeching halt for you!

 

Clearly this will save much hassle. And is infinitely more superior than simply darting through a quick break in traffic. I see this saving many lives!

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We here at the Tuss are quite glad Prince Philip is out of hospital. Having sent him our kind and good thoughts, we would also like to take this opportunity to reflect back on some of the foot’n mouth disease Prince Philip has displayed over the years. Just remember, it’s a tough job being consort to the Queen, day in and day out.

 

 

  • Asked a driving instructor in Scotland, “How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?”
  • When visiting a group of British students in China in 1986 he remarked, “If you stay here much longer, you’ll all be slitty-eyed.”
  • In 2002 Prince Philip asked an indegenious Australian businessman, “Do you still throw spears at each other?”
  • In 1994 he asked a Cayman Island native, “Aren’t most of you descended from pirates?”
  • In 1987 he wrote in the forward to If I Were an Animal that “In the event that I am reincarnated, I would like to return as a deadly virus in order to contribute something to solve overpopulation.”
  • To a British student in Papua New Guinea, “You’ve managed not to get eaten then?”
  • At the height of recession in 1981 Prince Philip commented, “Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they’re unemployed.”

If only there were more people to speak their minds so succinctly! We appreciate his sense of humor. It’s just that he’s in the public sector and we live in such a politically correct world that, taken out of context, some of these seem to verge on the innappropriate. Maybe it’s just us.

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John Tyler (1841-1845)

  • Honest John
  • His Accidency
  • The President without a Party
  • Traitor Tyler
  • The Veto President

 

 

John Tyler was the first Vice President to assume the office of President after William Henry Harrison’s untimely death one month into his term. The 25th Ammendment which codifies the assumption of power was not actually ratified until 1967. In Tyler’s time, some were calling for an acting president or “acting caretaker” to be named until a new election could be held. Harrison’s cabinet objected (fearing no legislation would get through) and Tyler took the oath of office on April 6, 1841.

 

Tyler was rarely taken serioulsy during his time in office. Tyler had been expected to adhere closely with the Whig party (of which he was a member). But, Tyler shocked party members by vetoing virtually their entire agenda. Tyler was officially expelled from the Whig party in 1841, months after taking office.

 

Tyler advocated the annexation of Texas which most of the Whig party opposed as it would upset the balance between North and South and risked war with Mexico. Tyler pushed Congress to annex Texas through an adopted joint resolution which they did. Tyler finally got word to his representative in Texas on March 3, 1845 (Tyler’s last day in office) to officially announce the annexation. After a period of instinctual scepticism, James K. Polk confirmed the annexation and Texas was formally admitted to the union in December 1845.

TYLER TRIVIA:

  • Tyler was playing marbles when he learned that he was to be president
  • Tyler was the first president to have his veto overridden.
  • Only president to have served as President pro tempore of the Senate
  • Tyler had the most children of any President (with 15)
  • Twenty years after leaving office, Tyler joined the Confederacy, becoming the only President to be a sworn enemy of the United States
  • Tyler was great-unle of Harry S. Truman
  • Tyler’s second wife initiated the practice of having “Hail to the Chief” played everytime the president entered the room.

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Seventy-two Australian scuba divers set new record for under-water ironing. – Proving 72 Australians desperately in need of Tivo. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Babies born in the summer proved most likely to be short sighted. – Those babies never think of their retirement funds. Hope you marry a Sagittarius, babies!

Former publisher of Maxim magazine admits to pushing love rival off cliff to his death – Drunk at the time of the interview, he later recanted, claiming he’d gotten his memories confused with an old episodic children’s program involving a very crafty coyote and some Acme products.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Man gets divorced by 2 women on the same day– It’s called getting Utah’d and it’s not half as hot as it sounds.

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We admit while we’ve never actual sweated (swote?) to the oldies, Richard Simmons has been a personal favorite since he picked up our mom in a hotel in the mid 1980’s. So, we’re quite glad when Jimmy Kimmel saw the genius in him and invited him on in honor of Jimmy’s 1000th show.

Including Sam Elliot and his unmistakable voice (like he’s just been gargling with nails!) is wondiferous.

Jared from Subway, Jazz Hands! and Jonah Hill round out this video of Jimmy’s day spent with Richard.

And this closing thought from Sam Elliott: “Don’t be a piece of sh**, America.” Words to live by? Our new personal credo.

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Another Day, another celebration of a special someone’s birth.

On This Day in History:

  •  1581 – Sir Francis Drake completes his circumnavigation of the world and is knighted by Elizabeth I
  • 1814 – Napoleon abdicates for the first time
  • 1818 – The United States Congress adopts the flag of the US with 13 red and white stripes and a star for each state (then 20).
  • 1841 – William Henry Harrison dies of pneumonia becoming the first president to die in office and the president to have the shortest term at 31 days
  • 1850 – Los Angeles, Ca is incorporated as a city
  • 1960 – Senegal Independence Day
  • 1964 – The Beatles occupy the top 5  positions on Billboards pop chart
  • 1968 – Martin Luther King Jr assassinated in Memphis
  • 1968 – Apollo program: NASA launches Apollo 6
  • 1975 – Microsoft is founded by a partnership between Bill Gates and Paul Allen
  • 1983 – Space shuttle Challenger makes its maiden voyage
  • 1994 – Netscape founded by Marc Andreessen and Jim Clarke
  • 2008 – iTunes overtakes Wal-Mart as leader in music distribution

Born on This Day:

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Welcome back to Favorite Watch Friday which is simply me sharing with you some of my favorites from the world of watches.  Last week was the Omega Speedmaster.  This week I’m featuring a brand and model that is much less well-known here in the U.S.  But not any less awesome.

IWC Portuguese

k375_4.jpg

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Bookseller.com has just concluded its annual Diagram Awards – which award the book with the most odd title.

 Past Winners included:

  1. Versailles: The View from Sweden – We consider this one untouchable.
  2. Oral Sadism and The Vegetarian Personality – We didn’t love this book; it was all verbal barbs and chickpeas.
  3.  American Bottom Archaeology – The gripping saga of the discovery of two rounded masses, and the forbidden chasm that lurked betwixt.
  4. The Joy of Chicken – I admit I didn’t read it, but the illustrations were remarkable.
  5. Highlights in the History of Concrete – The entire book: Romans invented it. Recipe was lost for 1,300 years.  Recipe found. I’ve just saved you six hours of reading. I’m here to help.
  6. The Theory of Lengthwise Rolling – From the publishers of High Times.
  7. Re-Using Old Graves– A little paint, some window treatment, a bit of Febreeze… flip that grave!
  8. How to Shit in the Woods: An Environmentally Sound Approach to A Lost Art – Lost art… really? I make art all the time. I’m a regular Picasso, if you know what I mean.
  9. The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories– Ways to tell if your horse is a lesbian and might enjoy these stories: 1. butch-y mane cut, 2. flannel shirt, 3. drives Subaru, 4. listens to Indigo Girls
  10. How To Avoid Huge Ships – Open eyes.  Move away from huge ships. (It ain’t exactly the sweet science but, the “bob and weave” technique will always score you a win.
  11. Living With Crazy Buttocks – Thankfully, not too many people had to live with Crazy Buttocks, but he was one of the greatest Chiefs the Sioux ever had.
  12. The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification– I’m personally looking for a mint 1960’s Piggley Wiglgey SportCart with original lower shelf and baby seat.  Chrome must be mint and no squibby wheels.
  13. People that Don’t Know Their Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It – You’re dead! Get out of my dang car or I’m putting the Indigo Girls back on!

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“Snack Time”  

Edward Estlin Cummings Age 7

I have a fig newton

but it is

alas

no

(handy-dandyAmericaEndorsed)

Propaganized 

O-R-E-oooooh

Smooth and delicious

with the cream of which i dream 

and of thee i sing.

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742 – Charlemagne 

1725 – Giacomo Casanova

1743 – Thomas Jefferson

1805 – Hans Christian Andersen

1840 – Emile Zola

1875 – Walter Chrysler

1891 – Max Ernst

1908 – Buddy Ebsen

1914 – Sir Alec Guiness

1920 – Jack Webb

1927 – Kenneth Tynan

1928 – Serge Gainsbourg

1939 – Marvin Gaye

1941 – Dr. Demento

1947 – Emmylou Harris

1961 – Christopher Meloni

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