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Archive for July, 2008

It’s the Movie Review Round-Up!

Wondering whether or not to take the brood to the cinema this weekend to see Brenden Fraser in The Mummy: The Tomb of the Drag On Emperor? Some professional movie reviewers say, “meh.” Bring on the un-dead analogies.

“A movie for people who expect nothing and are happy when they get it.” – Metromix Chicago

“Makes the first two Mummy movies look like Godfather I and II.” – Slant magazine

“The action beats are more like action beat-downs.” – Chicago Tribune

“The latest Mummy compares the audience to a cat and film to a ball of yarn.” [Ed: Or something else… something like…I don’t know, maybe a human body that was ensconced in rags that were tattered and falling off but would also attract a kitten’s attention?]. Brad Miska.

“Oh, ‘Mummy,’ I’m bored. “- MSNBC

“You might notbe able to kill a mummy but as “Mummy Tomb of the Dragon Emperor proves, you can kill  a franchise.” – The Hollywood Rporter

“The Mummy series has been dead a long time, but like the mummies it depicts, it won’t stay buried.” – San Francisco Chronicle

“Is the Mummy full of derivative, over-worked action sequences? Of corpse!” – The Tuss

“This movie, much like mummies themselves, has no guts!” – PhoningItIn.com

 

Although, reading about the “particularly athletic Yetis” did pique my curiosity. And the idea of those terra cotta soldiers coming to life, err…un-dead mummy-ness, sounds cool.

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I’m on the phone with a Customer Service Representative and I’m trying to be as polite and friendly as possible in order to work out a mutual mistake (that quite clearly does not involve me giving my credit card number and subsequent $2,782.43 to PervOrProgrammer.com).

Unfortunately, I’m in a “Pat” situation where I literally cannot tell if the person on the other end is a woman that has smoked more than a carton of ciggies a day, or a man who, on the best of days, merits the term “effete” lobbed at him, or maybe an alien that sucked up an entire gravel driveway on their way into work at the call center this morning.

Anywhoodle, this situation ends up involving a lot of involuntary “YesMa’am-YesSir-YesThankYou-YesPlease-s.” (It starts of strong and resolute and then sort of tapers into a questioning whisper).

In my head, I keep telling myself, “Whatever you do, do not use a personal pronoun toward him/her/it.” But to no avail. If I had just decided on one and kept it consistent, I’d have a 50/50 shot. Had I gotten it wrong, maybe he/she/it would have just assumed there was a bad connection. But, nooooo. I kept having to cover me bases.

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Wow! Wednesday is right. These guys are frolicking and saving money! And if you ran this ad these days, you could run it under the guys guise of being very “green” or “enviroinmentally conscious”, rather than the more obvious, “homoerotic“.

Doc Ad, we are begging the question, “Why did they put their heads together?” And what on earth is so darned funny? Let us in on the joke, please.

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I think I’d go by the name, “Fairly Nefarious.”

It’s new. It’s classy. And it reflects my toughness and my desire to do ill (as well as my proclivity to burn in the summer’s sun).

(Although I’d really have to figure out some sort of simple obfuscation for the spelling of it, and that could take me a lifetime. 

Best bet: If we could all agree that the ‘/’ mark can represent the scales of justice and in this case can substitute for the word, ‘fair’, my best guess is to go with “/ly Ne/ious”. Can we all agree from this point hence on that meaning? If not, I’m open to suggestions…

PostHaste, people! My burgeoning career hangs in the balance.

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If a friend told you that they had a “redneck weekend”  the mind reels with possibilities… 

  • Went to a tractor-pull
  • Spent hours muddin’
  • Took a turn at ropin’ at the rodeo or a stock show
  • Dined on squirrel stew
  • Spray painted you girlfriend’s name on an overpass
  • Attended a wedding at the local country club which is up on wheels – as it’s a double-wide trailer
  • Brainstormed name for girlfriend’s four-wheeler (ie, mud-slinger, sod-buster, ass-launcher, etc.)
  • Sorted outhouse porn collection for ease of selection (your cross referencing would make Dewey proud – and simultaneously blush).
  • Poured hot chocolate in your Reeboks and called them winter shoes
  • Attended to 2008 washing of tank tops, muscle T’s, wife beaters (or any article of clothing which shares a names with domestic violence) and t-shirts (sleeves cut off)
  • Re-worked the curl on all your baseball hats
  • Took your long bow out to get dinner (and rid the neighborhood of possum)
  • Slid into the tightest pair of nut-huggin Wranglers
  • Got loaded; loaded guns; Lost one buddy (he obviously doesn’t understand gun safety)
  • Laminated NRA membership card (put spit shine on)
  • Considered the rumor that “coon hound” originally meant a dog for the hunting of racoons
  • Shined deer with police issue spotlight mounted to the drivers’ side window
  • Put moves on sister / cousin / mother; Got to second base.

But  when you find out that he chewed tobaco (fine, upstanding thing to do), went fishing (All-American), and drank beer (Downright Patriotic!), then it is a bit of a letdown.  If you say redneck, you better get down with slapping the back of your neck ’til that sombitch is ruby, and then commence with one of the above. 

Consider me unimpressed.

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Ulysses S. Grant

1869-1877

  • Unconditional Surrender Grant
  • The Hero of Appomattox
  • Useless Grant
  • The Galena Tanner (Due to his Artificially Orange pallor)

 

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You Caption It

 

“Screw you, Earl. I’m keeping it. It’s my favorite wine glass. – Living with you is no picnic, you know.”

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