Archive for August, 2008

“I know, Mom, I know. A carton of Kents is more than I deserve. (Though they can’t kill me fast enough).”

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We here in Austin are lucky enough to have access to a unique salad dressing.

Unique in the fact that it’s local but, unfortunately, it is marketed in the absolute wrong way.

Here’s what some of our readers have to say:

  • “Should be called ‘Lower Colon Decimator’.”
  • “If Jackson Pollack worked in fecal matter, he’d have a sure fire hit on his hands.”
  • “When you want an excuse to leave a meeting – and wipe from ankles to forehead, look no further!”
  • “If you’ve been waiting for that really good excuse to thoroughly clean your toilet, THIS IS IT!
  • “Ana’s and Bulimics of the world: REJOICE! No more down time waiting for a laxative to kick in!”
  • “Should be packaged with a four pack of Charmin!”
  • “Tastes Great – Less Filling.”
If they only marketed this as super-direct way to empty your bowels, they’d be rolling in the dough (or something). No laxative, no metamucil…one teaspoon of this and I guarantee you’re in the bathroom within 12 minutes! – It doesn’t matter your constitution!
Bravo, Mr. Oka, Bravo!
If only I had this information days ago – – Oh, well. Next time, then.

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(Subtitled: Ab Ovo Ad Ovum)

I think, in the future we will come to view this as eggstremely eggregious. Eggistentially speaking, We are better than this! We start off with Bin Laden, (the arch-eggemy who currently dictates our entire foreign policy)

(Has the thought crossed your mind that unless Doc Ad gets here (and we don’t want to egg on our favorite media commentator) quick you’re in for a lot more where that came from? Cause you’d be eggactly right!)

This is going to be eggasperating. Suckers!

If you’re not with me now, you will be…But wait! There’s more. It’s a whole campaign. Yay!


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There was a lot to be learned from these Olympic games, to be sure. Some positive, some not-so-much. I enjoyed them more than I thought I would and found myself drawn in. But once inside, sometimes you saw a weird bit of human nature. (You know that old ‘Triumph and Tragedy’ chestnut)

So here are some of highs and lows….Or what we learned…Or what we took away from these 2008 Olympic Games…Or whatever.

  • One commentator noted the “Amazing Dedication of the kids” referring to a story that a member of a team asked her new coach for a weekend off from training, and when the coach asked her why she needed the time off she replied she hadn’t seen her family in 12 years…”Isn’t that an amazing level of dedication?” Yes, exactly the same attitude I have towards indentured servitude – I simply marvel at their high levels of dedication. And enslavement.
  • There was a diver who “dealt with fear and to this day sometimes can’t bring himself jump off the board”. I understand fear. But, a little heads up: You may be in the wrong line of work. (Sorry to be harsh).  Maybe if his dad were treading water in the pool cheering him on, he would feel more positive encouragement to actually dive instead of pooping his barely clothed bottom in fear?
  • Please stop referring to the Rythmic Gymnasts as atheletes. It cheapens the word all the way around.  Sure, they get to go out in the gym and get all flexible, but it’s a fine line between these gals and the hippy chicks at a Dead concert.
  • I saw the term “Stink Face” personified.  We like Nastia and appreciate her medalling for the US in a bunch of events.  But man, when she is pre-game, her face is all bitch-cakes.  Her mouth is frowning and terse and her eyes are like olympic lasers ready to cut a Chinese athlete in half.  Love her, but let’s cut to a little vignette of her driving her Porsche or something instead of all of those close ups of her face when she’s Doctor Evil Dominant and intense.
  • Americans runners may spend hours on the track but, they crucially forget to practice a baton handover.  Hint for 2012: Velcro gloves.
  • Poor sportsmanship is enough to negate you effort entirely. I’m looking at you Swedish wrestler, “Hissy fits are not rewarded on the Olympic level. (But if they were you’d have a shot at gold, doofus)”.
  • Canoeing is obviously the toughest sport, or how else do explain the only person to puke on the podium?
  • Some British newspapers find a new way everyday to add pictures like this:


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Chester A. Arthur

Sept 19, 1881 – March 4, 1885



  • Elegant Arthur
  • The Gentleman Boss
  • The Dude President (Inspiration for the “Big Lebowski”)
  • Our Chet



Arthir was chosen by Garfield to be his running mate at the 1880 Republican National Convention because he was a stalwart (the support of which Garfield did not have) and Garfield knew the vote would be close. In some ways this was to be his undoing since Charles Guiteau shot Garfield saying “I am a Stalwart of the Stalwarts…Arthur is president now!!” Arthur was shocked by the assassination and mortified of Guiteau’s claim of political unity.


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They tried. They failed. We’re all for innovation here at the ‘Tuss but we alwaysknow when to say ‘When’…

Solo Synchronized Swimming (1992) It’s an oxy-moron, ya morons! Couldn’t you have called something else similarly as lame, like Water DancingSwamcing?

Live Pigeon Shooting (1900) – Only time in Olympic history live animals were exterminated utilized in sport. Let loose some birds and see how many one person can kill take as prize. The gold medalist took 71 pigeons.  (There also was a “Running Deer Single Shot (1906-1936) but that was a more humane moving paper target).

Pistol Dueling (1906) – Participants didn’t shoot at each other but at dummies…dressed in fancy frock coats of the day, but with bullseyes painted on the chest.  The sport never took off, but the coats where a big hit!

Tug Of War (1900-1920): Team of 8 had to pull their opponents 6 feet. If it hadn’t happened in 5 minuttes, whoever had pulled the other team the farthest was the winner.  This would be a great event today, for our WWF athletes.

Cricket – Only in 1900. So popular, only 2 countries even had teams (Great Britain and France) Britain won.  USA should have assembled a team, becuase just showing up would have won bronze.

Poodle Clipping (1900) – This seems to have been speed not subjective quality rankings. The winner clipped 17 poodles in 2 hours.  Who where the athletes, the poodles or the clipperers?  Obviously, this was a one-timer event only held in France, of course.

Club Swinging – (1904, 1932) Complicated routines involving swinging a ribboned-festooned club around the head. In the 1932 Games, an unemployed American (in the midst of the Great Depression) took the gold and hitchicked home from the LA games.

Rope Climbing – (1896, 1904, 1906, 1924, 1932) – Sounds easy, everyone born in the second half of the 20th century had to participate in gym, right? In the 1896 Games, only 2 competitors completed the task.  Obviously, they didn’t have my gym teacher as coach or they all would have made it.  And no sliding down, it turns out not to be as fun as it sounds!

Bridge (2002) – I can support any Olympic event that provides snacks. And can encourage any age or body type. Why this wasn’t didn’t last is beyond me.

Motor Boating – Only in the 1908 Games. It was a flop.  I gues in 1908, if you could make a motor work on demand, you deserved a medal.  And 19 mph was the average speed… wow/yawn.

Jeu de Paume (1900) – Translated means ‘game of palm‘ It was the precursor to tennis and is played in  roughly (pun intended) the same manner. Seems a natural these days, no fancy equipment needed, open to all comers. Practice anywhere.  Teenage boys are typically exceptional at this.

Long Jump for Horses You’ve got an athletic horse, you want to show it off..but there doesn’t seem to be a lot of skill involved for the people. Give JuanInaAMillion a gold but not his rider Juan ICouldn’tCarlos.


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Bretislav hated his playpen for years, but when he eventually medalled in The Robot in the 2020 Olympics, he finally forgave his parents.

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I’m not saying it’s not deserved but –

I don’t think all ‘pale face’ are gonna miss the joke.

It is in Southern California so…pretty apt. And if you build it, we’re sure the morons will go and loose all their hard-earned whompum (and drink too many over-priced scalpitinis – just don’t hesitate to “give them back” at the end of the night).

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James A. Garfield

March 4, 1881-September 19, 1881


  • The President Preacher (was a lay preacher for the Church of Christ)
  • Boatman Jim or The Canal Boy (referring to early occupation)
  • The Plow-Boy of Ohio

At the time of the Republican National Convention, Garfield was a current member of the House of Representatives. Right before he left for the convention, he had been named to replace a senate seat from Ohio that had just been vacated. By the 36th vote at the convention, Garfield had been named nominee for the presidential election and that senate seat Garfield now declined eventually went to John Sherman (who Garfield had gone to the convention to support as presidential nominee).


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I reeeeaally like ice cream…

But in the whole of my adult life, I have never once been eating ice cream and thought, “Gee, I wish I had one of those wooden tongue depressor- shaped spoons to eat it with.”

I cannot possibly be the only child of the 70’s that was forced to eat a cup of ice cream at school or a church camp with the ‘splinters for your tongue waiting to happen paddles,’ can I?

Are children still forced to use those atrocities?

Was that one of FDR’s cultural programs? He brought work to the Pacific Northwest lumber communities by having them design splinter spatulas?

Those things are the mouth equivalent of fingernails on a chalkboard for me.

Ohhhhhhhh, the nightmares

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“Does this thing make me look gay?”

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  • 1538 – Bogota, Columbia is founded by Gonzalo Jimenez de Quesada
  • 1776 – 60 ‘proof sheets’ of the Constition of the United States are delivered to the Continental Congress
  • 1806 – Francis II, the last Roman Emperor, abdicates, thus ending the Holy Roman Empire
  • 1890 – At Auburn Prison in NY, murderer William Kemmler becomes the first person executed by electric chair
  • 1909 – Alice Ramsay and 3 friends are the first women to complete a transcontinental automobile trip
  • 1912 – Bull Moose Party convenes in Chicago
  • 1923 – Henry Sullivan swims the English Channel
  • 1926 – Henry Houdini performs his greatest trick, sealed underwater for 91 minutes
  • 1945 – Hiroshima is devastated by atomic bomb “Little Boy”


  •  Alfred, Lord Tennyson (poet) – 1809
  • Alexander Fleming (scientist) – 1881
  • Louella Parsons (gossip hag) – 1881
  • Dutch Schultz (bootlegger) – 1902
  • Lucille Ball (comedienne) – 1911
  • Robert Mitchum (actor) – 1917
  • Andy Warhol (artist) – 1928
  • Piers Anthony (English writer) – 1934
  • Michelle Yeoh (Chinese actress) – 1962
  • Elliot Smith (musician) – 1969
  • M Night Shaymalan (director ) -1970
  • Geri Halliwell (Spice Girl) – 1972
  • Soleil Moon Frye (Punky Brewster) -1976
  • Adrianne Curry (Brady Snatcher) – 1982
  • Jon Benet Ramsay (murdered child model*) -1990


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When someone starts off a story, “Omigod, I felt like the biggest geek one time…I was at this Doctor Who meet-up group and…”

If the thing that made you feel like the biggest dork was not simply being at the Doctor Who meet-up group, then I have some seriously high expectations for this story!

PS – Who’s gonna be the new Doctor anyway? When are we gonna find out. The fact that it’s not James Nesbitt I find to be a shame. I’d watch that creepy dark Doctor Who. And Jennifer Saunders was an interesting thought. I think she’d do a good job as the first female Time Lord.

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 Rutherford B Hayes



  • Rutherfraud
  • His Fraudulancy
  • The Usurper
  • Granny Hayes
  • Queen Victoria in Riding Britches
  • The Great Unknown
  • President de Facto
  • Dark Horse Prsident

[Is that a reconstructed nation in your beard or are you just a scary old dude?]


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