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Archive for the ‘Advertising’ Category

Check It.

The most awesome collection of pictures of food that may turn you off your lunch at the aptly named This Is Why You’re Fat (.com).

Ladies and Gentlemen…Please Allow me to Introduce to you…

THE HAMDOG!

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That’s Right – – A hotdog, snugly nestled inside a hamburger that is then lovingly deep-fried and then generously topped with chili, chese, onions and a couple of servings of fries. All of this is served up in a giant hoagie roll and at last, a fried egg is added to round out the meal.

(Courtesy Mulligans Bar, Decatur GA.)

 

Most are seriously disgusting but there were a few that made me think, ‘I’d try that if it were within arms’ length.’ Like the doughnut with fresh crumbled bacon or the deep fried coca-cola (make it a Diet and I’m prolly the newest convert).

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Who doesn’t want to look good and loose weight?

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The theory behind these is solid. For years wrestlers and boxers have run around in garbage bags trying to loose a little extra to make weight, so the sweat out pounds while your body is encased in plastic, is not breaking any new ground. But these do certainly make a statement. I can see myself doing a little light gardening in these babies. Going for a bike ride, washing the car, making dinner or just watching tv – these can go anywhere!

They’re so cute, I know I wouldn’t be surprised to see myself and others cruising the mall in them.

Wonder Sauna Long Hot Pants: Reduces Waist, Tummy, Hips and Thighs.

You’re gonna look good and have that killer hour glass figure. Only the hour glass refers to your now disproportionately fat shoulders and calves. (Wah-wah).

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Wait! Was there nothing else left to honor?

No other Supreme Court justices, big name musicians, Olympians or other athletes? No National monuments or parks? Ran out of flora and fauna and Audubon birds? We’ve been through every Looney Tunes charecter and Marvel superhero? Already?

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I do like the “SERVE WITH PRIDE” line, but how about one of these…

JURY DUTY:    STOP TRYING TO GET OUT OF IT

JURY DUTY:    THEY’RE ALWAYS GUILTY

JURY DUTY:    THOSE SWIVEL CHAIRS ARE THE BEST IN THE COURTROOM

JURY DUTY:    IT’S BETTER THAN WORKING ($12 A DAY!)

JURY DUTY:    MAKES LAW & ORDER MORE RELEVANT

JURY DUTY:   NO SNOOZING

Next in the series…”In line at the Post Office: You Risked Your Life For This Stamp” and “DMV Our Nation’s Doorway to Old Age” “IRS Paying Taxes is Your Civic Duty!”

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The Disappearing Car Door. It just rolls down like my car window. Only it’s my door panel! And where did my B pillar go? It’s kinda like some creepy magic trick. But I do like how futuristic it is! ‘Strap on your jet pack and meet be my doorless car. Oh, what you don’t have a doorless car? What, do you still open the damn thing yourself?’

The “Come On” starts out with, “Automobiles today still use the same door principles as Nineteenth century cars.” Foolish humans!

And the body copy has big and cool sounding words like, “Our vehicle architecture offers an attractive rethink for car design.” So, you know they know what they’re talking about. And the VO work is done by a Brit so it’s obviously oozing with class. Geesh!

It wasn’t until the elimination of door dings or getting parked in that I understood how this was better by even one degree. And, my philosophy is that there is a set number of times this thing works, and on number 119,784, you’re trapped in!

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This is a good ad.

This woman is dazzlingly beautiful but now we know the horrors that lurk beneath her smile. She’s hiding a mouth full of unspeakable stink. (Yay!). Sometimes we can thank our lucky stars that we cannot smell a photograph. (Shudder). I only wish there was some sort of colorized green mustard-gas escaping from her vile mouth to drive the point home.

Thanks for making me doubt my already shaky self-esteem, Advertising Community. Thousands will lose friends due to the rampant outbreak of bad breath. Omigod. Paranoia has set in.

I learned a few things about bad breath. Bad breath is caused by constipation (which also causes loss of appetite, weakness, nervousness, and mental dullness. – Good news, Maybe Billy’s not so dumb after all, just constipated!).

These magical olive tablets “stimulate the flow of bile from the liver.” How graphically medicinal!

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When I was little I realized that I would never have perfect teeth. Of my own. But from that very young age I was really excited to get old so that I could sport the most perfect set of chompers in my home (rest home, of course). I like an old 90 year old with those large, white, movie star teeth. It may not look natural but it tells the world, ‘I still got it!’

This goes double for not having great, thick luxurious hair. My mane is gonna be a cascading thing of beauty (that will, again, not look a bit natural framing my craggy face). So what? At least you haven’t given up hope. You’ve still got the impetus of vanity to keep you going.

I am also pretty pumped about getting one of these:

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I’m not really sure why I have to wait until I’m old to get one. I’m not specifically in any danger of slipping and falling when I get in and out of the tub at this age but it seems safer all the way around.

Doesn’t this guy look fired up for bathtime?

I want to be that excited about bathing.

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I just cannot do it! 1570berriesandcreme.jpg Cherry Chocolate Diet Dr. Pepper.

Cherry Vanilla made a bit of sense, hearkening back to soda fountain days. But I really don’t think soda jerks were pouring a lot of chocolate syrup into cokes. Maybe I’m wrong?

All the advertising makes it look disgusting. The soda can is split open to reveal a giant 6 layer cake of chocolate and cherry goo. Then, quick cut to a hugely robust cherry pie, then a can split in half with a cherry jubilee of grosstastic proportions. Then some sort of cherry swiss cake rolls, a chocolate fountain vomiting an avalanche of cherries. Wheeee! The carbonated soda bubbles are full of cherry iced doughnuts and more pie and cherry frosted cupcakes. Stop the Madness. I want to get off. I already feel sick.

The can has non-enticing cherries which seem to be suffering from some sort of awful Montezuma’s revenge of chocolate.

Although I will give props to this:

 (Play at your own risk. You have been warned).

Slickly produced. Tongue firmly in cheek.

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