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Archive for the ‘Lists of Fury’ Category

There was a lot to be learned from these Olympic games, to be sure. Some positive, some not-so-much. I enjoyed them more than I thought I would and found myself drawn in. But once inside, sometimes you saw a weird bit of human nature. (You know that old ‘Triumph and Tragedy’ chestnut)

So here are some of highs and lows….Or what we learned…Or what we took away from these 2008 Olympic Games…Or whatever.

  • One commentator noted the “Amazing Dedication of the kids” referring to a story that a member of a team asked her new coach for a weekend off from training, and when the coach asked her why she needed the time off she replied she hadn’t seen her family in 12 years…”Isn’t that an amazing level of dedication?” Yes, exactly the same attitude I have towards indentured servitude – I simply marvel at their high levels of dedication. And enslavement.
  • There was a diver who “dealt with fear and to this day sometimes can’t bring himself jump off the board”. I understand fear. But, a little heads up: You may be in the wrong line of work. (Sorry to be harsh).  Maybe if his dad were treading water in the pool cheering him on, he would feel more positive encouragement to actually dive instead of pooping his barely clothed bottom in fear?
  • Please stop referring to the Rythmic Gymnasts as atheletes. It cheapens the word all the way around.  Sure, they get to go out in the gym and get all flexible, but it’s a fine line between these gals and the hippy chicks at a Dead concert.
  • I saw the term “Stink Face” personified.  We like Nastia and appreciate her medalling for the US in a bunch of events.  But man, when she is pre-game, her face is all bitch-cakes.  Her mouth is frowning and terse and her eyes are like olympic lasers ready to cut a Chinese athlete in half.  Love her, but let’s cut to a little vignette of her driving her Porsche or something instead of all of those close ups of her face when she’s Doctor Evil Dominant and intense.
  • Americans runners may spend hours on the track but, they crucially forget to practice a baton handover.  Hint for 2012: Velcro gloves.
  • Poor sportsmanship is enough to negate you effort entirely. I’m looking at you Swedish wrestler, “Hissy fits are not rewarded on the Olympic level. (But if they were you’d have a shot at gold, doofus)”.
  • Canoeing is obviously the toughest sport, or how else do explain the only person to puke on the podium?
  • Some British newspapers find a new way everyday to add pictures like this:

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They tried. They failed. We’re all for innovation here at the ‘Tuss but we alwaysknow when to say ‘When’…

Solo Synchronized Swimming (1992) It’s an oxy-moron, ya morons! Couldn’t you have called something else similarly as lame, like Water DancingSwamcing?

Live Pigeon Shooting (1900) – Only time in Olympic history live animals were exterminated utilized in sport. Let loose some birds and see how many one person can kill take as prize. The gold medalist took 71 pigeons.  (There also was a “Running Deer Single Shot (1906-1936) but that was a more humane moving paper target).

Pistol Dueling (1906) – Participants didn’t shoot at each other but at dummies…dressed in fancy frock coats of the day, but with bullseyes painted on the chest.  The sport never took off, but the coats where a big hit!

Tug Of War (1900-1920): Team of 8 had to pull their opponents 6 feet. If it hadn’t happened in 5 minuttes, whoever had pulled the other team the farthest was the winner.  This would be a great event today, for our WWF athletes.

Cricket – Only in 1900. So popular, only 2 countries even had teams (Great Britain and France) Britain won.  USA should have assembled a team, becuase just showing up would have won bronze.

Poodle Clipping (1900) – This seems to have been speed not subjective quality rankings. The winner clipped 17 poodles in 2 hours.  Who where the athletes, the poodles or the clipperers?  Obviously, this was a one-timer event only held in France, of course.

Club Swinging – (1904, 1932) Complicated routines involving swinging a ribboned-festooned club around the head. In the 1932 Games, an unemployed American (in the midst of the Great Depression) took the gold and hitchicked home from the LA games.

Rope Climbing – (1896, 1904, 1906, 1924, 1932) – Sounds easy, everyone born in the second half of the 20th century had to participate in gym, right? In the 1896 Games, only 2 competitors completed the task.  Obviously, they didn’t have my gym teacher as coach or they all would have made it.  And no sliding down, it turns out not to be as fun as it sounds!

Bridge (2002) – I can support any Olympic event that provides snacks. And can encourage any age or body type. Why this wasn’t didn’t last is beyond me.

Motor Boating – Only in the 1908 Games. It was a flop.  I gues in 1908, if you could make a motor work on demand, you deserved a medal.  And 19 mph was the average speed… wow/yawn.

Jeu de Paume (1900) – Translated means ‘game of palm‘ It was the precursor to tennis and is played in  roughly (pun intended) the same manner. Seems a natural these days, no fancy equipment needed, open to all comers. Practice anywhere.  Teenage boys are typically exceptional at this.

Long Jump for Horses You’ve got an athletic horse, you want to show it off..but there doesn’t seem to be a lot of skill involved for the people. Give JuanInaAMillion a gold but not his rider Juan ICouldn’tCarlos.

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This site gives you some examples of the engravings they’ve done inside people’s wedding bands. Some very tender, heartfelt and romantic. Others – probably special in their own way. And some almost seem passive aggressive (but in the way that’s cute at first but 6 years later, more of the aggressive starts to shine through)

  • You wore me down – Not even an attempt at sweetness or romance, just a, “Fine, you win.”
  • Tricky little love machine – Maybe a step too far.  You could have just put “You are a tough one to satisfy in the sack, but we worked at it and finally got the job done.”  But that would’ve had to have been a pretty large ring.
  • Better Than Ice Cream – But that inscription? Worse than a trip to the dentist.
  • You’re an amazing sales rep – Just bad, even if it’s a lame joke about selling her on you; worse if you really were ‘Sales Rep of the Month.’
  • Happy Now? Good. – See “You wore me down.”
  • Remember, I’m a Wyoming Redneck – Hide your sheep.
  • Amateurs hope, professionals work. – This guy must work at the company that makes those horrible inspirational posters that go in offices, and should be shot.
  • Race you to the shower – Slightly better than “Get me a beer. I’ll time you.”

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Did you go to college on the East Coast? No? Did you know the phenomenon that was the a capella group? No? Not familiar…Take a look…

Depending on your level of punny-ness this could equally be called “The Best A Capella Group Names” or simultaneously, “The Worst A Capella Group Names.”

  • University of Pennsylvania – The Penny Loafers
  • University of North Carolina – Clef Hangers
  • Michigan State University’s all male – Accafellas
  • Brandeis University (assumingly all male) – Voicemale
  • Johns Hopkins – Mental Notes
  • Penn – Chord on Blue
  • Duke – DejaBlue
  • Cornell and Oberlin both have – Nothing But Treble
  • University of Connecticut – Chordials
  • MIT – Chorallaries
  • UC Berkeley – DaCadence
  • CalTech – Fluid Dynamics
  • University of Michigan – Compulsive Lyres
  • Cornell – Key Elements
  • York University – Wibijazz’n
  • UC Berkeley – Artists in Resonance
  • Emory University -Aural Pleasure

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Bookseller.com has just concluded its annual Diagram Awards – which award the book with the most odd title.

 Past Winners included:

  1. Versailles: The View from Sweden – We consider this one untouchable.
  2. Oral Sadism and The Vegetarian Personality – We didn’t love this book; it was all verbal barbs and chickpeas.
  3.  American Bottom Archaeology – The gripping saga of the discovery of two rounded masses, and the forbidden chasm that lurked betwixt.
  4. The Joy of Chicken – I admit I didn’t read it, but the illustrations were remarkable.
  5. Highlights in the History of Concrete – The entire book: Romans invented it. Recipe was lost for 1,300 years.  Recipe found. I’ve just saved you six hours of reading. I’m here to help.
  6. The Theory of Lengthwise Rolling – From the publishers of High Times.
  7. Re-Using Old Graves– A little paint, some window treatment, a bit of Febreeze… flip that grave!
  8. How to Shit in the Woods: An Environmentally Sound Approach to A Lost Art – Lost art… really? I make art all the time. I’m a regular Picasso, if you know what I mean.
  9. The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories– Ways to tell if your horse is a lesbian and might enjoy these stories: 1. butch-y mane cut, 2. flannel shirt, 3. drives Subaru, 4. listens to Indigo Girls
  10. How To Avoid Huge Ships – Open eyes.  Move away from huge ships. (It ain’t exactly the sweet science but, the “bob and weave” technique will always score you a win.
  11. Living With Crazy Buttocks – Thankfully, not too many people had to live with Crazy Buttocks, but he was one of the greatest Chiefs the Sioux ever had.
  12. The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification– I’m personally looking for a mint 1960’s Piggley Wiglgey SportCart with original lower shelf and baby seat.  Chrome must be mint and no squibby wheels.
  13. People that Don’t Know Their Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It – You’re dead! Get out of my dang car or I’m putting the Indigo Girls back on!

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This 1913 book was reprinted in the UK last fall, simply titled “Don’ts for Husbands”

 dontsforhusbands.jpg

A nice and tidy rule book to help your wife life run a little more smoothly.

Some highlights include:

Don’t ‘talk down’ to your wife. She has as much intelligence as your colleagues at the office; she lacks only opportunity. Talk to her of anything you would of a man and you would be surprised how she expands. – You keep yammering on, and she keeps reaching for more cookies by the handful. Oh my, how she expands!

Don’t say your wife wastes time in reading, even if she only reads fiction.- Don’t even pretend your wife can read. You really shouldn’t patronize women. It is an ugly character trait.

Don’t sharpen pencils all over the house. It does not improve either the carpets or the servants’ tempers to find pencil sharpenings all over the house. – Seriously. The servants will  revolt. Take my word for it. Enough with the sharpening of all those bloody pencils already. Your house is not the cage of a guinea pig.

Don’t try and regulate every aspect of your wife’s life. Even a wife is an individual and must be allowed some scope.– This one is a head-scratcher. Who is the boss again? The husband! Why do we choose to persist with a charade?

Don’t keep all your jokes for your male friends. Let your wife share them.– Don’t let your wife share your jokes; she’ll butcher them! “And then , the man says…Oh wait, I forgot the punchline again.” Dagnabbit.

Don’t try and “drive” your wife. You will find it much easier to “lead” her. – Wives are much like horses. Also, teach her to how to properly chew her cud. And don’t forget to air out her blankets when they become drenched in sweat as it improves her disposition greatly.

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 “Good news guys! You’re the first to get music on the international space station. Bad news is, we’re piping it in and you have no way of turning it off or turning the volume down. It’s more a psychological expirement. Enjoy!”

 earth.jpg

A local Norwegian won a contest to make a mix tape for space. Sounds fun, right? So what are the first songs to be heard in space?

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