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Archive for the ‘Lists of Fury’ Category

There was a lot to be learned from these Olympic games, to be sure. Some positive, some not-so-much. I enjoyed them more than I thought I would and found myself drawn in. But once inside, sometimes you saw a weird bit of human nature. (You know that old ‘Triumph and Tragedy’ chestnut)

So here are some of highs and lows….Or what we learned…Or what we took away from these 2008 Olympic Games…Or whatever.

  • One commentator noted the “Amazing Dedication of the kids” referring to a story that a member of a team asked her new coach for a weekend off from training, and when the coach asked her why she needed the time off she replied she hadn’t seen her family in 12 years…”Isn’t that an amazing level of dedication?” Yes, exactly the same attitude I have towards indentured servitude – I simply marvel at their high levels of dedication. And enslavement.
  • There was a diver who “dealt with fear and to this day sometimes can’t bring himself jump off the board”. I understand fear. But, a little heads up: You may be in the wrong line of work. (Sorry to be harsh).  Maybe if his dad were treading water in the pool cheering him on, he would feel more positive encouragement to actually dive instead of pooping his barely clothed bottom in fear?
  • Please stop referring to the Rythmic Gymnasts as atheletes. It cheapens the word all the way around.  Sure, they get to go out in the gym and get all flexible, but it’s a fine line between these gals and the hippy chicks at a Dead concert.
  • I saw the term “Stink Face” personified.  We like Nastia and appreciate her medalling for the US in a bunch of events.  But man, when she is pre-game, her face is all bitch-cakes.  Her mouth is frowning and terse and her eyes are like olympic lasers ready to cut a Chinese athlete in half.  Love her, but let’s cut to a little vignette of her driving her Porsche or something instead of all of those close ups of her face when she’s Doctor Evil Dominant and intense.
  • Americans runners may spend hours on the track but, they crucially forget to practice a baton handover.  Hint for 2012: Velcro gloves.
  • Poor sportsmanship is enough to negate you effort entirely. I’m looking at you Swedish wrestler, “Hissy fits are not rewarded on the Olympic level. (But if they were you’d have a shot at gold, doofus)”.
  • Canoeing is obviously the toughest sport, or how else do explain the only person to puke on the podium?
  • Some British newspapers find a new way everyday to add pictures like this:

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They tried. They failed. We’re all for innovation here at the ‘Tuss but we alwaysknow when to say ‘When’…

Solo Synchronized Swimming (1992) It’s an oxy-moron, ya morons! Couldn’t you have called something else similarly as lame, like Water DancingSwamcing?

Live Pigeon Shooting (1900) – Only time in Olympic history live animals were exterminated utilized in sport. Let loose some birds and see how many one person can kill take as prize. The gold medalist took 71 pigeons.  (There also was a “Running Deer Single Shot (1906-1936) but that was a more humane moving paper target).

Pistol Dueling (1906) – Participants didn’t shoot at each other but at dummies…dressed in fancy frock coats of the day, but with bullseyes painted on the chest.  The sport never took off, but the coats where a big hit!

Tug Of War (1900-1920): Team of 8 had to pull their opponents 6 feet. If it hadn’t happened in 5 minuttes, whoever had pulled the other team the farthest was the winner.  This would be a great event today, for our WWF athletes.

Cricket – Only in 1900. So popular, only 2 countries even had teams (Great Britain and France) Britain won.  USA should have assembled a team, becuase just showing up would have won bronze.

Poodle Clipping (1900) – This seems to have been speed not subjective quality rankings. The winner clipped 17 poodles in 2 hours.  Who where the athletes, the poodles or the clipperers?  Obviously, this was a one-timer event only held in France, of course.

Club Swinging – (1904, 1932) Complicated routines involving swinging a ribboned-festooned club around the head. In the 1932 Games, an unemployed American (in the midst of the Great Depression) took the gold and hitchicked home from the LA games.

Rope Climbing – (1896, 1904, 1906, 1924, 1932) – Sounds easy, everyone born in the second half of the 20th century had to participate in gym, right? In the 1896 Games, only 2 competitors completed the task.  Obviously, they didn’t have my gym teacher as coach or they all would have made it.  And no sliding down, it turns out not to be as fun as it sounds!

Bridge (2002) – I can support any Olympic event that provides snacks. And can encourage any age or body type. Why this wasn’t didn’t last is beyond me.

Motor Boating – Only in the 1908 Games. It was a flop.  I gues in 1908, if you could make a motor work on demand, you deserved a medal.  And 19 mph was the average speed… wow/yawn.

Jeu de Paume (1900) – Translated means ‘game of palm‘ It was the precursor to tennis and is played in  roughly (pun intended) the same manner. Seems a natural these days, no fancy equipment needed, open to all comers. Practice anywhere.  Teenage boys are typically exceptional at this.

Long Jump for Horses You’ve got an athletic horse, you want to show it off..but there doesn’t seem to be a lot of skill involved for the people. Give JuanInaAMillion a gold but not his rider Juan ICouldn’tCarlos.

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This site gives you some examples of the engravings they’ve done inside people’s wedding bands. Some very tender, heartfelt and romantic. Others – probably special in their own way. And some almost seem passive aggressive (but in the way that’s cute at first but 6 years later, more of the aggressive starts to shine through)

  • You wore me down – Not even an attempt at sweetness or romance, just a, “Fine, you win.”
  • Tricky little love machine – Maybe a step too far.  You could have just put “You are a tough one to satisfy in the sack, but we worked at it and finally got the job done.”  But that would’ve had to have been a pretty large ring.
  • Better Than Ice Cream – But that inscription? Worse than a trip to the dentist.
  • You’re an amazing sales rep – Just bad, even if it’s a lame joke about selling her on you; worse if you really were ‘Sales Rep of the Month.’
  • Happy Now? Good. – See “You wore me down.”
  • Remember, I’m a Wyoming Redneck – Hide your sheep.
  • Amateurs hope, professionals work. – This guy must work at the company that makes those horrible inspirational posters that go in offices, and should be shot.
  • Race you to the shower – Slightly better than “Get me a beer. I’ll time you.”

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Did you go to college on the East Coast? No? Did you know the phenomenon that was the a capella group? No? Not familiar…Take a look…

Depending on your level of punny-ness this could equally be called “The Best A Capella Group Names” or simultaneously, “The Worst A Capella Group Names.”

  • University of Pennsylvania – The Penny Loafers
  • University of North Carolina – Clef Hangers
  • Michigan State University’s all male – Accafellas
  • Brandeis University (assumingly all male) – Voicemale
  • Johns Hopkins – Mental Notes
  • Penn – Chord on Blue
  • Duke – DejaBlue
  • Cornell and Oberlin both have – Nothing But Treble
  • University of Connecticut – Chordials
  • MIT – Chorallaries
  • UC Berkeley – DaCadence
  • CalTech – Fluid Dynamics
  • University of Michigan – Compulsive Lyres
  • Cornell – Key Elements
  • York University – Wibijazz’n
  • UC Berkeley – Artists in Resonance
  • Emory University -Aural Pleasure

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Bookseller.com has just concluded its annual Diagram Awards – which award the book with the most odd title.

 Past Winners included:

  1. Versailles: The View from Sweden – We consider this one untouchable.
  2. Oral Sadism and The Vegetarian Personality – We didn’t love this book; it was all verbal barbs and chickpeas.
  3.  American Bottom Archaeology – The gripping saga of the discovery of two rounded masses, and the forbidden chasm that lurked betwixt.
  4. The Joy of Chicken – I admit I didn’t read it, but the illustrations were remarkable.
  5. Highlights in the History of Concrete – The entire book: Romans invented it. Recipe was lost for 1,300 years.  Recipe found. I’ve just saved you six hours of reading. I’m here to help.
  6. The Theory of Lengthwise Rolling – From the publishers of High Times.
  7. Re-Using Old Graves– A little paint, some window treatment, a bit of Febreeze… flip that grave!
  8. How to Shit in the Woods: An Environmentally Sound Approach to A Lost Art – Lost art… really? I make art all the time. I’m a regular Picasso, if you know what I mean.
  9. The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories– Ways to tell if your horse is a lesbian and might enjoy these stories: 1. butch-y mane cut, 2. flannel shirt, 3. drives Subaru, 4. listens to Indigo Girls
  10. How To Avoid Huge Ships – Open eyes.  Move away from huge ships. (It ain’t exactly the sweet science but, the “bob and weave” technique will always score you a win.
  11. Living With Crazy Buttocks – Thankfully, not too many people had to live with Crazy Buttocks, but he was one of the greatest Chiefs the Sioux ever had.
  12. The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification– I’m personally looking for a mint 1960’s Piggley Wiglgey SportCart with original lower shelf and baby seat.  Chrome must be mint and no squibby wheels.
  13. People that Don’t Know Their Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It – You’re dead! Get out of my dang car or I’m putting the Indigo Girls back on!

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This 1913 book was reprinted in the UK last fall, simply titled “Don’ts for Husbands”

 dontsforhusbands.jpg

A nice and tidy rule book to help your wife life run a little more smoothly.

Some highlights include:

Don’t ‘talk down’ to your wife. She has as much intelligence as your colleagues at the office; she lacks only opportunity. Talk to her of anything you would of a man and you would be surprised how she expands. – You keep yammering on, and she keeps reaching for more cookies by the handful. Oh my, how she expands!

Don’t say your wife wastes time in reading, even if she only reads fiction.- Don’t even pretend your wife can read. You really shouldn’t patronize women. It is an ugly character trait.

Don’t sharpen pencils all over the house. It does not improve either the carpets or the servants’ tempers to find pencil sharpenings all over the house. – Seriously. The servants will  revolt. Take my word for it. Enough with the sharpening of all those bloody pencils already. Your house is not the cage of a guinea pig.

Don’t try and regulate every aspect of your wife’s life. Even a wife is an individual and must be allowed some scope.– This one is a head-scratcher. Who is the boss again? The husband! Why do we choose to persist with a charade?

Don’t keep all your jokes for your male friends. Let your wife share them.– Don’t let your wife share your jokes; she’ll butcher them! “And then , the man says…Oh wait, I forgot the punchline again.” Dagnabbit.

Don’t try and “drive” your wife. You will find it much easier to “lead” her. – Wives are much like horses. Also, teach her to how to properly chew her cud. And don’t forget to air out her blankets when they become drenched in sweat as it improves her disposition greatly.

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 “Good news guys! You’re the first to get music on the international space station. Bad news is, we’re piping it in and you have no way of turning it off or turning the volume down. It’s more a psychological expirement. Enjoy!”

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A local Norwegian won a contest to make a mix tape for space. Sounds fun, right? So what are the first songs to be heard in space?

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In case you think I am mocking these schools, I am not. Celebrate what sets you apart. Why your school is unique.

 Full Disclosure: I went to a high school whose mascot was a capitol. The building. We were located in the capital city but, all in all, a pretty lame mascot. Will someone wear a costume of a dome shaped building and try and champion a little spirit? Doesn’t matter. My heart’s still with ’em. Go Caps! 

  • Texas Christian University Horned Toads. Think of your own joke.
  • Evergreen State Geoducks. I just don’t think mollusks are the right thing to align yourself with. Not too agro, but are some of the longest living organisms so, maybe you’re saying you outlast your opponent.
  • Brandeis University Judges. Fair enough (pun intended).
  • Sweet Briar College Vixens. Also would have accepted Sirens. Pretty good for an all girls school.
  • Kenyon College Lords and Ladies. I like this one. It’s regal and vaguely elitist.
  • Tulane Green Waves. In light of recent events, much more menacing.
  • Purdue Boilermakers. What a bunch of fabricators.
  • University of Delaware Fighting Blue Hens.  put the word ‘fighting’ right in the name and still you come off as rather cuddly.
  • Northland College Lumberjacks and Lumberjills. You’re joking with us, right? Political correctness has gone too far.
  • University of Pennsylvania Quakers. If you are the Fighting Quakers, you are not only lame buy oxy-moronic.
  • Stetson University Hatters. Yeah, that’s not even a type of hat. Just a hatmaker. And he was from MO not FL.
  • Amherst College Lord Jeffs. It’s literally Lord Jeff Amherst
  • Southern Arkansas Mule Riders. Not so much threatening as descriptive. It tells you what they like to do in the off season. And what positions they’re into.
  • Grays Harbor College Chokers. Apparently, a logging term, befitting the pacific northwest school. But people, you graduate and are a lfetime “Choker.” Whether it’s taken as the deep seeded rageaholic murderer lurking within or the complete and total failure you reach in times of pressure – either way, not good.

See Top Ten List of Mascots here

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I live in Texas, and they love them some football down here.  But you know what? I grew up in Michigan, and we sure-as-shit love some football too! We’re the Big Ten, we don’t mess about when it comes to the gridiron.  So I ask you, which team has the best all-time winning record?  Basically, you could argue that the winningest program is the best college program of all time – the number one winner when it comes to football?

I asked some folks I work with, and the answers were pretty consistent:

· Texas

· Oklahoma

· USC

· Florida State

· Alabama

· UCLA

· Florida

· Miami (Florida, not Ohio)

These are all great football schools, no doubt.  Very funny to me, not a single Big Ten school listed.  Should I be upset?  No, I’m sure folks in the Midwest would have all 11 Big Ten schools on the list.  (Well, not Northwestern).

So, not to leaving you hanging, here is the definitive list.  Going back 140 years (through 2009), and using the NCAA as the source, here are the top 10 schools and the percentage of winning games:

1. Michigan  73.982%

2. Notre Dame  73.639%

3. Texas  71.785%

4. Oklahoma  71.648%

5. Ohio State  71.508%

6. Alabama  70.855%

7. Southern Cal  70.614%

8. Nebraska  70.101%

9. Tennessee  69.420%

10. Penn State  68.934%

Three of the top 10 are Big Ten schools.  I like that.

The University of Michigan is number one.  I hate that.

I’m a Michigan State University grad, and always hated Michigan football growing up.  For the record, my MSU Spartans came in 31 at 58.993%.

If you want to see the big list, click here.

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  1. Most non-cotton sweaters – Do you have a 1/4 scale human living with you?  Watch your damn sweaters becuase somebody has there eyes on them and knows how to make them theirs.
  2. Cashmere socks – Unless you feet are shrinking and you like crustiness instead of the luxurious glory of cashe.
  3. Chapstick – Amazingly enough, little to no damage occurs, but that chapstick tube is empty and clean as a whistle.  Where did it go?  Waxxy heaven I guess.
  4. Cat – Sure it’s warm and fun, but only for a little while.  Then it’s a hell hole of spinning feline death, and not in the good way.
  5. Jeans with a sticker that I had previously removed from apple/orange – ’nuff said.
  6. Report Card – No, this one can be a winner, if you have a crap report card.
  7. Gum – Some folks say that nothing is forever, but I guarentee that the crusty gum residue will be on the inside of your pocket long after the pants are at the Good Will and you’re taking the dirt nap.
  8. Pack of tissues – This defies explanation, but those little pocket packs of tissues once washed and then dried explode in to billions of barbed velcro-like fibers that stick to everything.  There is no way to remove them short of several more wahsings and dryings.  The lint roler bows in discrace when facing this challenge.
  9. Cell phone – Take it from me, there is no bringing that one back! Although, maybe you like a new paperweight?
  10. Tool box– Loud as crap if you’re tryin to watch tv, althought the tools are shiny and fresh as an Irish spring.

Did we miss anything?

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I like disposable income as much as the next guy.

I even put a lot of value into making sure any passerby can tell that I have alot of said disposable income. I think it’s telling the world. ‘I am better than you because I have money. I know you want to be me. The best you can hope for is to be near me.’

That said, I go about my ostentatious show in a classy way. It’s rhodium for me all the way, baby. (FACT: Rhodium is 6.5 times more expensive than platinum. Look it up). Others, it seem, don’t understand the subtlety that is required to pull off the in-your-face exuberance of having cash to burn with panache. Without further ado…

The top 3 Most Egregious Examples of Bling:

1. Sean Kingston had a good idea. And one that could really showcase his buying power, incorporating a myriad of gemstones. – YAY! But I guess there was a problem with the licensing folks at Crayola. Therefore, he’s got a box of ’64 Crayons’ hanging from his spherical gob.

Unfortunately, someone spilled juice or maybe took some potshots with a paintball uzi at his trusty old box of crayons when all the gemstones were being placed.

All that money and they couldn’t even get a napkin to wipe that up. Oh well.

seankingston.jpg

2. This guy gets it. It’s subtle. If you forget who I am, check me out Navel-level.

This has the added bonus of being easily identifiable if stolen. It’s not your garden variety over-sized dollar sign encrusted with diamonds. This is definitely the way to go.

Although, he is now committed to those sunglasses and that iteration of facial hair. Forever.

rickyross.jpg

3. Do you love your Chocolate Frosted Suagr Bombs? I do too! But it did not occur to me to bedazzle the darn box and hang it around my neck. It occurred to Lil Boosie. (And forgive me for not being aware of when Tony the Tiger was joined on the box with a hype man). The rappers these days are tres self-referential!

My only sartorial advice: He should wear a nice red kerchief. It would really bring the look together. I mean, he already has bedazzled tigers of his front/back pockets. (In an homage to Kriss Kross)?

This thing looks terribly painful, all right angles and heft aplenty. Is this his hair shirt? Is he attempting penance for his lack of taste and judgement? Or for his (lil) boozy lifestyle?

frostedflakesbling.jpg

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I think a good wager to make with your co-workers for Super Bowl Sunday (or even other home town rivalries) is to force the loser to dress up like the winning teams’ mascot.

This year one would be forced to either dress up like a Patriot (Tri-corner hat and a smart velveteen suit with knickers and a ruffled bib) or a Giant (ill-fitting, ripped tee shirt and, tattered, once again, knee length pants).

There are some mascots I can’t figure out. Like the Green Bay Packers. Do they have a mascot? I know about the “cheeseheads.” And I get it. Wisconsin makes cheese. North Carolina is a big supplier of our nation’s pork but no one’s is walking around a Panthers game with an oversized sausage on top of their head. Or stips of bacon flapping in the wind from of their noggin.

While we’re on the subject of mascots, it dawned on me that, in this age of ever increasing political correctness, when teams are petitioned every so often by the more marginalized populations of this country to, ‘Please, for the love of Animal Spirit, change the mascot of your team,’ that teams should embrace the change and use the opportunity to go in a new direction. 

I think the Dallas Cowboys are onto something. People like an excuse to put on their boots and cowboy hats and support their team. People paint their faces up like Jaguars in union with the team. So why not choose your next mascot on what you would like to see your fans dressed as? Seriously. Ravens aren’t that ferocious anyway. Ditch the thinking that your mascot will strike fear in the hearts of your opponents and simply distract them with your new team, The San Jose Slutty Nurses.

Women have proven, Halloween and Halloween again, that they love to dress up as a slutty nurse. Or a slutty cop. Or a slutty pirate. Basically, anything slutty. Give them any opportunity and they will jump at it. Let them. It serves as a good distraction for the other team. It allows fans to really get excited about the game. And maybe you can generate some extra revenue by selling rohypnol at the concessions booth!

It’s a win all the way around.

See our list of Worst Team Mascots here.

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Doesn’t matter whether it’s college or pro. Have we left any out?

  • Watersweet Nimrods. Yes, it means ‘mighty warrior of God’ but it has other meanings too, ‘ya Nimrods.
  • University of Idaho Vandals. Either refers to the East Germanic tribe of marauders or what the team supporters tend to resort to when they lose.
  • Whittier College Poets. Their poetry is much, much, much funnier than yours!
  • Lemoyne-Owen College Magicians.* Either Fierce or fairly poncy. You decide.
  • NC School of the Arts Fighting Pickles. Striking fear in the hearts of opponents with a vinegar based vengeance.
  • RISD Nads. You realize athletics aren’t your strong suit. You giggle when “Scrotie” bops about the hockey rink and you get to cheer, ‘Go Nads!’
  • Pace University Setters. Pace Setters, you devils.
  • Montgomery Biscuits. Boy, that is one team that I want to sink my teeth into. Hot, flakey, buttery layers of victory.
  • UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs. Bright yellow, slimy, shell-less mollusk. Shudder.
  • Hawaii Rainbow Warriors. Fighting for the rights of alternative lifestyles everywhere. Not butch enough.

I cannot believe there isn’t a small art school that has adopted the “Goths.”

*Lemoyne-Owen does have the added benefit that their QB is the only one in the league allowed a scantily-clad assistant. Although he does have to play in full tails and a top hat. Holds the record for most silk scarves dropped on the field in one game.

 See Part Two of our List here.

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Throughout the year, the AV Club keeps track of some of the dumbest band names they come across and at the end of the year they let us in on what made the rather puerile list.

Some of my favorites include:

Garrison Killer. – It’s a play on a name that mostly your grandparents will recognize. Not the way to go.

Malice in Wonderland. – I’m pretty sure I came up with that one. In first grade.

Penguins with Shotguns. – Well, last year was the year of the penguin, I guess they thought they would capitalize on that.

I Sank Molly Brown. –  The girl is unsinkable, but this name is not.

ButtStomach. – I’m sure it refers to a trick they perform on stage. Otherwise, their combined age best not be over 45.

The House that Gloria Vanderbilt. – We all get it. You’re cute. But no one in your target market knows who Gloria Vanderbilt is, not even that she is Anderson Cooper’s mom. No one. (Hint: The house is made of snugly fitting denim).

Wookie Hangover. – Alright, I see your thinking…you love Star wars and you just discovered drinking. Okay.  Keep trying.

The Cornish Gay Men– You’re really punny. But, I bet you’re not really gay.  (Note: This may have an entirely different meaning in Cockney).

BiFurious – I wish it ended with, “:The Reckoning.” Regardless, they’re probably twice as furious.

General Patton and his Privates. – Too quickly rejected was the original: “Old Blood and Guts and His Nuts”

The Pussy Pirates. – (First line of their bio: “First off, we’re an ideas band. I think we proved that with Fuck Mountain.”)  Wow.  Only an ideas band would “concept” such a lame name.  It’s got a little Pirates of the Carribean, plus a bit of “down-there” humor from the playground set.  I hope the first song is called Fart Police.  Nope.

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