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Archive for the ‘Lists of Fury’ Category

In case you think I am mocking these schools, I am not. Celebrate what sets you apart. Why your school is unique.

 Full Disclosure: I went to a high school whose mascot was a capitol. The building. We were located in the capital city but, all in all, a pretty lame mascot. Will someone wear a costume of a dome shaped building and try and champion a little spirit? Doesn’t matter. My heart’s still with ’em. Go Caps! 

  • Texas Christian University Horned Toads. Think of your own joke.
  • Evergreen State Geoducks. I just don’t think mollusks are the right thing to align yourself with. Not too agro, but are some of the longest living organisms so, maybe you’re saying you outlast your opponent.
  • Brandeis University Judges. Fair enough (pun intended).
  • Sweet Briar College Vixens. Also would have accepted Sirens. Pretty good for an all girls school.
  • Kenyon College Lords and Ladies. I like this one. It’s regal and vaguely elitist.
  • Tulane Green Waves. In light of recent events, much more menacing.
  • Purdue Boilermakers. What a bunch of fabricators.
  • University of Delaware Fighting Blue Hens.  put the word ‘fighting’ right in the name and still you come off as rather cuddly.
  • Northland College Lumberjacks and Lumberjills. You’re joking with us, right? Political correctness has gone too far.
  • University of Pennsylvania Quakers. If you are the Fighting Quakers, you are not only lame buy oxy-moronic.
  • Stetson University Hatters. Yeah, that’s not even a type of hat. Just a hatmaker. And he was from MO not FL.
  • Amherst College Lord Jeffs. It’s literally Lord Jeff Amherst
  • Southern Arkansas Mule Riders. Not so much threatening as descriptive. It tells you what they like to do in the off season. And what positions they’re into.
  • Grays Harbor College Chokers. Apparently, a logging term, befitting the pacific northwest school. But people, you graduate and are a lfetime “Choker.” Whether it’s taken as the deep seeded rageaholic murderer lurking within or the complete and total failure you reach in times of pressure – either way, not good.

See Top Ten List of Mascots here

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I live in Texas, and they love them some football down here.  But you know what? I grew up in Michigan, and we sure-as-shit love some football too! We’re the Big Ten, we don’t mess about when it comes to the gridiron.  So I ask you, which team has the best all-time winning record?  Basically, you could argue that the winningest program is the best college program of all time – the number one winner when it comes to football?

I asked some folks I work with, and the answers were pretty consistent:

· Texas

· Oklahoma

· USC

· Florida State

· Alabama

· UCLA

· Florida

· Miami (Florida, not Ohio)

These are all great football schools, no doubt.  Very funny to me, not a single Big Ten school listed.  Should I be upset?  No, I’m sure folks in the Midwest would have all 11 Big Ten schools on the list.  (Well, not Northwestern).

So, not to leaving you hanging, here is the definitive list.  Going back 140 years (through 2009), and using the NCAA as the source, here are the top 10 schools and the percentage of winning games:

1. Michigan  73.982%

2. Notre Dame  73.639%

3. Texas  71.785%

4. Oklahoma  71.648%

5. Ohio State  71.508%

6. Alabama  70.855%

7. Southern Cal  70.614%

8. Nebraska  70.101%

9. Tennessee  69.420%

10. Penn State  68.934%

Three of the top 10 are Big Ten schools.  I like that.

The University of Michigan is number one.  I hate that.

I’m a Michigan State University grad, and always hated Michigan football growing up.  For the record, my MSU Spartans came in 31 at 58.993%.

If you want to see the big list, click here.

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  1. Most non-cotton sweaters – Do you have a 1/4 scale human living with you?  Watch your damn sweaters becuase somebody has there eyes on them and knows how to make them theirs.
  2. Cashmere socks – Unless you feet are shrinking and you like crustiness instead of the luxurious glory of cashe.
  3. Chapstick – Amazingly enough, little to no damage occurs, but that chapstick tube is empty and clean as a whistle.  Where did it go?  Waxxy heaven I guess.
  4. Cat – Sure it’s warm and fun, but only for a little while.  Then it’s a hell hole of spinning feline death, and not in the good way.
  5. Jeans with a sticker that I had previously removed from apple/orange – ’nuff said.
  6. Report Card – No, this one can be a winner, if you have a crap report card.
  7. Gum – Some folks say that nothing is forever, but I guarentee that the crusty gum residue will be on the inside of your pocket long after the pants are at the Good Will and you’re taking the dirt nap.
  8. Pack of tissues – This defies explanation, but those little pocket packs of tissues once washed and then dried explode in to billions of barbed velcro-like fibers that stick to everything.  There is no way to remove them short of several more wahsings and dryings.  The lint roler bows in discrace when facing this challenge.
  9. Cell phone – Take it from me, there is no bringing that one back! Although, maybe you like a new paperweight?
  10. Tool box– Loud as crap if you’re tryin to watch tv, althought the tools are shiny and fresh as an Irish spring.

Did we miss anything?

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I like disposable income as much as the next guy.

I even put a lot of value into making sure any passerby can tell that I have alot of said disposable income. I think it’s telling the world. ‘I am better than you because I have money. I know you want to be me. The best you can hope for is to be near me.’

That said, I go about my ostentatious show in a classy way. It’s rhodium for me all the way, baby. (FACT: Rhodium is 6.5 times more expensive than platinum. Look it up). Others, it seem, don’t understand the subtlety that is required to pull off the in-your-face exuberance of having cash to burn with panache. Without further ado…

The top 3 Most Egregious Examples of Bling:

1. Sean Kingston had a good idea. And one that could really showcase his buying power, incorporating a myriad of gemstones. – YAY! But I guess there was a problem with the licensing folks at Crayola. Therefore, he’s got a box of ’64 Crayons’ hanging from his spherical gob.

Unfortunately, someone spilled juice or maybe took some potshots with a paintball uzi at his trusty old box of crayons when all the gemstones were being placed.

All that money and they couldn’t even get a napkin to wipe that up. Oh well.

seankingston.jpg

2. This guy gets it. It’s subtle. If you forget who I am, check me out Navel-level.

This has the added bonus of being easily identifiable if stolen. It’s not your garden variety over-sized dollar sign encrusted with diamonds. This is definitely the way to go.

Although, he is now committed to those sunglasses and that iteration of facial hair. Forever.

rickyross.jpg

3. Do you love your Chocolate Frosted Suagr Bombs? I do too! But it did not occur to me to bedazzle the darn box and hang it around my neck. It occurred to Lil Boosie. (And forgive me for not being aware of when Tony the Tiger was joined on the box with a hype man). The rappers these days are tres self-referential!

My only sartorial advice: He should wear a nice red kerchief. It would really bring the look together. I mean, he already has bedazzled tigers of his front/back pockets. (In an homage to Kriss Kross)?

This thing looks terribly painful, all right angles and heft aplenty. Is this his hair shirt? Is he attempting penance for his lack of taste and judgement? Or for his (lil) boozy lifestyle?

frostedflakesbling.jpg

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I think a good wager to make with your co-workers for Super Bowl Sunday (or even other home town rivalries) is to force the loser to dress up like the winning teams’ mascot.

This year one would be forced to either dress up like a Patriot (Tri-corner hat and a smart velveteen suit with knickers and a ruffled bib) or a Giant (ill-fitting, ripped tee shirt and, tattered, once again, knee length pants).

There are some mascots I can’t figure out. Like the Green Bay Packers. Do they have a mascot? I know about the “cheeseheads.” And I get it. Wisconsin makes cheese. North Carolina is a big supplier of our nation’s pork but no one’s is walking around a Panthers game with an oversized sausage on top of their head. Or stips of bacon flapping in the wind from of their noggin.

While we’re on the subject of mascots, it dawned on me that, in this age of ever increasing political correctness, when teams are petitioned every so often by the more marginalized populations of this country to, ‘Please, for the love of Animal Spirit, change the mascot of your team,’ that teams should embrace the change and use the opportunity to go in a new direction. 

I think the Dallas Cowboys are onto something. People like an excuse to put on their boots and cowboy hats and support their team. People paint their faces up like Jaguars in union with the team. So why not choose your next mascot on what you would like to see your fans dressed as? Seriously. Ravens aren’t that ferocious anyway. Ditch the thinking that your mascot will strike fear in the hearts of your opponents and simply distract them with your new team, The San Jose Slutty Nurses.

Women have proven, Halloween and Halloween again, that they love to dress up as a slutty nurse. Or a slutty cop. Or a slutty pirate. Basically, anything slutty. Give them any opportunity and they will jump at it. Let them. It serves as a good distraction for the other team. It allows fans to really get excited about the game. And maybe you can generate some extra revenue by selling rohypnol at the concessions booth!

It’s a win all the way around.

See our list of Worst Team Mascots here.

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Doesn’t matter whether it’s college or pro. Have we left any out?

  • Watersweet Nimrods. Yes, it means ‘mighty warrior of God’ but it has other meanings too, ‘ya Nimrods.
  • University of Idaho Vandals. Either refers to the East Germanic tribe of marauders or what the team supporters tend to resort to when they lose.
  • Whittier College Poets. Their poetry is much, much, much funnier than yours!
  • Lemoyne-Owen College Magicians.* Either Fierce or fairly poncy. You decide.
  • NC School of the Arts Fighting Pickles. Striking fear in the hearts of opponents with a vinegar based vengeance.
  • RISD Nads. You realize athletics aren’t your strong suit. You giggle when “Scrotie” bops about the hockey rink and you get to cheer, ‘Go Nads!’
  • Pace University Setters. Pace Setters, you devils.
  • Montgomery Biscuits. Boy, that is one team that I want to sink my teeth into. Hot, flakey, buttery layers of victory.
  • UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs. Bright yellow, slimy, shell-less mollusk. Shudder.
  • Hawaii Rainbow Warriors. Fighting for the rights of alternative lifestyles everywhere. Not butch enough.

I cannot believe there isn’t a small art school that has adopted the “Goths.”

*Lemoyne-Owen does have the added benefit that their QB is the only one in the league allowed a scantily-clad assistant. Although he does have to play in full tails and a top hat. Holds the record for most silk scarves dropped on the field in one game.

 See Part Two of our List here.

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Throughout the year, the AV Club keeps track of some of the dumbest band names they come across and at the end of the year they let us in on what made the rather puerile list.

Some of my favorites include:

Garrison Killer. – It’s a play on a name that mostly your grandparents will recognize. Not the way to go.

Malice in Wonderland. – I’m pretty sure I came up with that one. In first grade.

Penguins with Shotguns. – Well, last year was the year of the penguin, I guess they thought they would capitalize on that.

I Sank Molly Brown. –  The girl is unsinkable, but this name is not.

ButtStomach. – I’m sure it refers to a trick they perform on stage. Otherwise, their combined age best not be over 45.

The House that Gloria Vanderbilt. – We all get it. You’re cute. But no one in your target market knows who Gloria Vanderbilt is, not even that she is Anderson Cooper’s mom. No one. (Hint: The house is made of snugly fitting denim).

Wookie Hangover. – Alright, I see your thinking…you love Star wars and you just discovered drinking. Okay.  Keep trying.

The Cornish Gay Men– You’re really punny. But, I bet you’re not really gay.  (Note: This may have an entirely different meaning in Cockney).

BiFurious – I wish it ended with, “:The Reckoning.” Regardless, they’re probably twice as furious.

General Patton and his Privates. – Too quickly rejected was the original: “Old Blood and Guts and His Nuts”

The Pussy Pirates. – (First line of their bio: “First off, we’re an ideas band. I think we proved that with Fuck Mountain.”)  Wow.  Only an ideas band would “concept” such a lame name.  It’s got a little Pirates of the Carribean, plus a bit of “down-there” humor from the playground set.  I hope the first song is called Fart Police.  Nope.

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