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Posts Tagged ‘fun’

William Howard Taft

1909-1913

Nicked Names

  • Old Bill
  • Big Lub
  • FattyFatty 2×4 Can’t Fit Thru The Bathroom Door
  • The 27th President, 10th Chief Justice of US Supreme Court, 1st Provisional Governor of Cuba, 42nd US Secretary of War, 1st Civil Governor of the Philippines, 5th US Solicitor General, 1st in line at a buffet

williamhowardtaft

Taft is really the president that ought to be known as the Trustbuster. He busted over 80, beating that so-called buster (Teddy ‘Not as Busted’ Roosevelt) by about 40. Taft just didn’t happen to rail against business in his rhetoric. That’s right Taft is twice the buster TR ever was, suckas!

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Take a minute to watch someone else’s smooth moves. Then teach everyone at your office how to do the Backwards Swim. We hear it was all the  rage.

This is one first class top drawer music videography.

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I reeeeaally like ice cream…

But in the whole of my adult life, I have never once been eating ice cream and thought, “Gee, I wish I had one of those wooden tongue depressor- shaped spoons to eat it with.”

I cannot possibly be the only child of the 70’s that was forced to eat a cup of ice cream at school or a church camp with the ‘splinters for your tongue waiting to happen paddles,’ can I?

Are children still forced to use those atrocities?

Was that one of FDR’s cultural programs? He brought work to the Pacific Northwest lumber communities by having them design splinter spatulas?

Those things are the mouth equivalent of fingernails on a chalkboard for me.

Ohhhhhhhh, the nightmares

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 Rutherford B Hayes

1877-1881

NICKNAMES:

  • Rutherfraud
  • His Fraudulancy
  • The Usurper
  • Granny Hayes
  • Queen Victoria in Riding Britches
  • The Great Unknown
  • President de Facto
  • Dark Horse Prsident

[Is that a reconstructed nation in your beard or are you just a scary old dude?]

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I’m on the phone with a Customer Service Representative and I’m trying to be as polite and friendly as possible in order to work out a mutual mistake (that quite clearly does not involve me giving my credit card number and subsequent $2,782.43 to PervOrProgrammer.com).

Unfortunately, I’m in a “Pat” situation where I literally cannot tell if the person on the other end is a woman that has smoked more than a carton of ciggies a day, or a man who, on the best of days, merits the term “effete” lobbed at him, or maybe an alien that sucked up an entire gravel driveway on their way into work at the call center this morning.

Anywhoodle, this situation ends up involving a lot of involuntary “YesMa’am-YesSir-YesThankYou-YesPlease-s.” (It starts of strong and resolute and then sort of tapers into a questioning whisper).

In my head, I keep telling myself, “Whatever you do, do not use a personal pronoun toward him/her/it.” But to no avail. If I had just decided on one and kept it consistent, I’d have a 50/50 shot. Had I gotten it wrong, maybe he/she/it would have just assumed there was a bad connection. But, nooooo. I kept having to cover me bases.

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If a friend told you that they had a “redneck weekend”  the mind reels with possibilities… 

  • Went to a tractor-pull
  • Spent hours muddin’
  • Took a turn at ropin’ at the rodeo or a stock show
  • Dined on squirrel stew
  • Spray painted you girlfriend’s name on an overpass
  • Attended a wedding at the local country club which is up on wheels – as it’s a double-wide trailer
  • Brainstormed name for girlfriend’s four-wheeler (ie, mud-slinger, sod-buster, ass-launcher, etc.)
  • Sorted outhouse porn collection for ease of selection (your cross referencing would make Dewey proud – and simultaneously blush).
  • Poured hot chocolate in your Reeboks and called them winter shoes
  • Attended to 2008 washing of tank tops, muscle T’s, wife beaters (or any article of clothing which shares a names with domestic violence) and t-shirts (sleeves cut off)
  • Re-worked the curl on all your baseball hats
  • Took your long bow out to get dinner (and rid the neighborhood of possum)
  • Slid into the tightest pair of nut-huggin Wranglers
  • Got loaded; loaded guns; Lost one buddy (he obviously doesn’t understand gun safety)
  • Laminated NRA membership card (put spit shine on)
  • Considered the rumor that “coon hound” originally meant a dog for the hunting of racoons
  • Shined deer with police issue spotlight mounted to the drivers’ side window
  • Put moves on sister / cousin / mother; Got to second base.

But  when you find out that he chewed tobaco (fine, upstanding thing to do), went fishing (All-American), and drank beer (Downright Patriotic!), then it is a bit of a letdown.  If you say redneck, you better get down with slapping the back of your neck ’til that sombitch is ruby, and then commence with one of the above. 

Consider me unimpressed.

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Ulysses S. Grant

1869-1877

  • Unconditional Surrender Grant
  • The Hero of Appomattox
  • Useless Grant
  • The Galena Tanner (Due to his Artificially Orange pallor)

 

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